Sallie Mae... or MAE NOT... get paid

Football is over, and according to the groundhog, Spring is right around the corner.

With a fresh crop of graduates entering the workspace in the coming months, (and then going right back into their parents’ basements, probably) I have a small piece of financial advice.  This being Barstool Finance, and all, I think I am sufficiently qualified to steer you spoiled pricks in the right direction.  And my advice comes in the form of a story.

When I was fresh out of college, I worked on the floor of the American Stock Exchange, and I was dating a young broad who would later become my wife.  After a particularly aggressive session one afternoon, we retreated to the couch to watch a movie.  As we lay there, the phone rang.

— Now, for the younger readers, every household before 1995 had something called a “ house phone” that plugged into the wall of your living room.  And all they did was make and receive phone calls.  The only way you could masturbate using a house phone would be if there was a National Geographic within reach of the outstretched spiral cord. —

Anyhoo, the house phone rang, and I answered.  As my woman laid beside me, she only heard one side of the conversation (mine). So she heard…

“Hello.”

“Oh, no… I am sorry. He doesn’t live here anymore.”

“No, no. There is no way to do that. Unfortunately, he passed away months ago in a car crash.”

“Listen. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help, and to be honest, this whole conversation is drumming up emotions I thought I had battled through, so I am going to hang up now. Have a blessed day.”

-click-

I thought I would go back to my post-coitus movie, but my soon-to-be-wife was keenly interested in what transpired on the other side of the phone, so I explained to her that I just told the student loan people I passed away in a terrible car crash.

And it worked. For about 6 months, or so, I stopped receiving invoices demanding payments I was delinquent on.  After the 6 month period, the bills returned without any explanation or investigation, but my late fees were waived for those 6 months.  Which is nice.

Soon after I received a similar call, and I told them I was dead again, to which they informed me that my phone conversation was being taped, and a formal investigation was being launched.  So I promptly hung up the phone, pulled the chord out of the wall, and asked my now fiancee if she could help me out with my student loans… Which she wound up paying off in full.

So there’s my tale, and here’s the lesson for all you graduates: If you need a little cushion on your student loans, just fake your own death.  And if you need any more help, find yourself a generous/sexy person, and marry the shit out of them.

Take a report.

-Large