Barstool’s Official USMNT vs Bolivia Preview
Sam’s Soccer Safe Space for Stoolies
Hi haters™,
Welp, the 2017-18 season is now officially in the books. Congrats to Fulham for beating Aston Villa and deservedly earning promotion back to the big dance.
Also, congrats to Real Madrid for outscoring what remained of Liverpool after Sergio Ramos got done intentionally injuring their heart and soul
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Seriously, I am beyond tired of debating the play involving Ramos and Salah at this point so will leave it at this:
(1) Ramos is both an incredible talent and a total trashbag, and the play in question was as intentional as it was dirty…
…and if you disagree you are either woefully naïve or willfully ignorant. End of story.
Having said all that, (2) Real Madrid still deserves a lot of credit. The goal by Bale was un-fookin-believable.
Winning three Champions Leagues in a row is incredibly impressive. I doubted them and they took a watery dump on my head. Sucks to suck (for me, not them).
But enough about that for right now. The United States of America has a “big” game this evening – and by “big” I mean meaningless in the near-term but potentially a watershed game in a longer term sense – so let’s take a peek under the hood at what to expect and/or watch for…
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USMNT
“DOES THE OUTCOME OF THIS GAME MATTER?”
No. Not even a little bit.
“SO WHY SHOULD I WATCH?”
Because (1) if you don’t love USMNT at its 2018 then you don’t deserve it at its 2022 and (especially) 2026, and more importantly (2) THE FUTURE STARTS NOW!
The roster for today’s game was revealed just over a week ago and if you haven’t popped multiple boners thinking about it in the time since then you either aren’t paying attention need to see a doctor. The list is heavy on both European-based and young players. In fact, there are only two MLS players on the roster and the average age of this crew is 22 years old. Compare that to the team that shat the bed against Trinidad & Tobago that averaged somewhere in the mid-to-late 60s (ish) – and the contrast could not possible be any starker.
As for the starting XI, this is what (temporary) coach Dave Sarachan decided to go with:
TALKING POINTS
N00bs!
Alex Bono (GK), Erik Palmer-Brown (D), Antonee Robinson (D) and Josh Sargent (F) are all both starting and making their senior debut today. What’s more, four of the starters are teenagers – Sargent plus Pulisic, McKennie and Weah – and the decision to FINALLY hand the keys to the next generation is as exciting as it is overdue.
Captain (Temporary) America
Sarachan gave the captain’s armband to Eric Lichaj, which is pretty dumb since everybody and their mother knows that Christian Pulisic is the future of the USMNT –just give him the damn armband already.
Defensive cohesiveness
Playing the youth is exciting as hell but it is not without at least a little risk in the sense that if Bolivia – no pushover – comes out a pushes out shit in it could cause a little crisis of confidence given all the n00bs that will be on the field. I would have liked to see Cameron Carter-Vickers and Matt Miazga as CBs but with additional friendlies coming up against Ireland (June 2) and France (June 9) this may have compelled Sarachan to do a little more experimenting with the XI against Bolivia.
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Midfield – oh my
People have been DYING for the USMNT to make the leap into the post-Michael Bradley era, and while this lineup should not be construed as that (Bradley was not called in only because he is needed by Toronto FC at the moment), it is an important step in that direction… or it could be anyway if guys like Weston McKennie step up and show the kind of quality they have at the club level.
Sargent & Rubin
USMNT fans have also been itching to see what – if anything – we might have waiting in the wings to replace Jozy Altidore, and today’s game will give Rubio Rubin (another) and Josh Sargent (his first) opportunity to show what they’ve got.
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OPPONENT – BOLIVIA
Bolivia is one of the weaker CONMEBOL teams, and don’t have the kind of standout stars that have made the jump to Europe that many of its neighbors like Peru and Chile (let alone Brazil and Argentina). Almost the entire team plays professionally in Bolivia, with one of the only exceptions being Bruno Miranda, a 20-year-old striker who plays for DC United.
Long story short, there isn’t too much to say about them other than they are a hard-working team that will run their balls off and will make you pay for mistakes… buttttttttt they kinda stink away from home, where they play at a national stadium that is 12,000-feet above sea level. In fact they managed to beat Argentina in qualifying at home but did pretty much diddly squat on the road, hence why they didn’t come anywhere close to qualifying for World Cup 2018.
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“PREDICTION”
Let’s be clear: the final score doesn’t matter for bupkis today. A handful of standout performances complemented by some guys who turn into pumpkins would be much more preferable than a slow, dreary yawnfest where none of the n00bs show us what they are really capable of. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t possibly be more excited (aside from a world in which the US would be gearing up for Russia, obviously) about seeing these kids finally get a chance to play. The future is now, bitcces, buckle up.
USMNT to win 3-1.
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So there we have it. A glorified reminder that there is a game to watch tonight masquerading as a preview. Enjoy the last few moments of your long weekend and it’s about damn time we started to truly get our minds right for the World Cup so stay tuned for all sorts of previews and predictions in the weeks leading up to the big shebang.
Holler,
Samuel Army