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Francis Ellis

Went whole wedding cake today for lunch

Amazing how much tastier it is when there’s no chance of another divorce.

What's Worse: Pat Bev's WNBA Take Or The Time He Shut Out A Reporter Because She Didn't Subscribe To His Podcast?

Yesterday, as a I mopped up the skull dust and formaldehyde from the tidy embalming I performed on Pat Bev, I felt a pang of guilt in my heart. Had I done the right thing? Was it really necessary? Clearly, the man did not know the slumbering monster he summoned when he casually denounced my efforts,

What's Worse: Pat Bev's Recent Podcast Numbers Or The Whimpering End Of His Basketball Career?

Hey Pat Bev: the fuck? Thought we were cool.  Well, if I must.  Since you seem fond of numbers, let's dig into yours. Here is some data from the Pat Bev Podcast, featuring Rone. Which is a genuinely insulting title, by the way. It should be the Pat Bev AND Rone podcast at worst, the Rone and Pat Bev

Big News: I'm Part Of The Internet Invitational! UPDATE: I'll Go Fuck Myself!

You guys hear about this Internet Invitational? Million bucks on the line. Real money, even to a kid whose ancestors booted the captain of the Mayflower out of his room because they liked his view better. Poor guy took the first mate's bunk, which put that little bitch down below with the deck hands

Best Of 2024 - The Subtle, Maddening Art Of Texting With Dave Portnoy

Years ago, Dave Portnoy gave me his phone number. I like to think he said something like "here, you'll need this" and then took my phone and punched it in himself, like some assertive jock on a college quad, not knowing it's for TikTok and his videographer is shooting from a window 200 yards away. T

Best Of 2024 - The Top 10 Golf Courses I've Played That Make Other People Jealous They Haven't Played Them

Picture this: you have a 10:30AM tee time at some private course you've been dying to play for years. Your buddy met a member at a mutual friend's bachelor party and sauced him up right, high-fiving him with the right amount of fake enthusiasm over a blackjack win, to get the invite. The member is a

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Francis Ellis

Stand-up comedian. Barstool Idol Season 1 winner. Former Harvard lax player.

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Francis Ellis Merch

Unfiltered. Unapologetic. In Your Inbox.