Your Definitive Guide To Getting Through Yom Kippur
Today is Yom Kippur. It’s the holiest day of the year for people who practice Judaism. I am not Jewish, but I respect Judaism a lot. When I was 13, my friend Ben had his bar mitzvah. He spent years preparing in hebrew school, memorizing torah portions and cancelling playdates because his mother thought I was a corrupting influence. But when the big day arrived, he nailed it. His chanting was spot-on, they didn’t drop the torah scroll once, and the ceremony only lasted four hours. That night, our entire grade headed to a Hilton for the dance. The DJs taught me how to breakdance. I slow-danced with maybe five chicks. I might have even slow-danced with one of those chicks twice, because she was my main bitch. I can’t remember; those were wild days.
I wore a Brooks Brothers suit and Lugz boots. I loved my Lugz because the WWF (yes, it was the WWF then, before those fucking “save the pandas” cunts at the World Wildlife Foundation had to have it) ran tons of ads for them during Raw and Smackdown. I did not know that wearing them to a bar mitzvah, as a white child, was not exactly what the founders had envisioned for their footwear.
Back to Yom Kippur. It can be a confusing day for gentiles like myself. It is very important that non-Jewish people not appropriate or mock the practices Yom Kippur. As such, I’ve compiled a list of rules/guidelines to help you navigate the day from a place of respect and differentiation.
1. Eat
Jewish people are forbidden from eating on Yom Kippur. The fast begins at sundown the night before and ends when the sun sets tonight. This can result in crankiness, dizziness, mood swings, and other unwanted consequences of starvation. The best way to avoid these nightmarish symptoms is to celebrate the fact that you are allowed to eat because you are not, in fact, Jewish. Treat yourself. Eat more than usual. Hell, fire back some noodle kugel and wash it down with some matzo ball soup. Roll out an entire spread of traditional Jewish food right next to your starving Jewish colleagues. That will let them know where you stand. Challah if ya hydrate!
2. Wear leather shoes
This is a luxury that is forbidden for devout Jews on Yom Kippur. The rule probably comes from a lesson in history. In the 1820s, the explorer John Franklin was trekking across the Canadian tundra on a map-making expedition. He grew so hungry that he resorted to eating strips of leather from his boots. Given the frigid temperatures, one can imagine how difficult it would be to chew through one’s boots, and how uncomfortable it would feel coming out the other end. That’s a chunky, ropey log that will snag your colon and pull it out onto the ice like a fish on a harpoon. But still, boot leather is, technically, edible. Judaism understands the temptations of edible shoes, and in an effort to stay true to the fast, a no-leather shoes rule was instituted.
Once again: I encourage all gentiles to rock their favorite loafers, oxfords, brogues, or even birkenstocks. Lord knows it’s nice to wear a snack on your feet.
3. Bathe/Wash Yourself
Take a shower. Walk through a waterfall. If you’re a dwarf/contortionist, hop in your laundry machine for a quick rinse cycle. Studies have shown that most Americans value good hygiene. Unsavory bedsores and rashes can occur if you don’t clean your skin for an entire day. It’s especially important to bathe if you hit the gym for a quick midday set of reverse dumbbell flies. All that food from #1 is going to leak out your pores, and you might come down with the dreaded meat sweats. There is NOTHING that will turn a woman away quicker than the meat sweats. And you’ll need to avoid that, as you’ll see with #5.
4. Moisturize
According to “Ask the Rabbi” at yeshiva.org, one cannot apply ointments, lotions, deodorants, or creams on Yom Kippur. Jewish people must walk around for an entire day with their skin cracking and flaking like they’re dying from greyscale. Therefore, arm yourself with chapstick, moisturizer, hand lotion, sunscreen, coconut oil, or whatever juice gets you loose. Lube up your entire body such that even the most devoted red rover team couldn’t prevent you from slipping through their lines. Glisten like a mango in the morning dew, or Shaq in warmups. But avoid the temptations of a creamy hand, because you should save your own cream for a partner. Which brings us to…
5. Get laid
Look, you don’t have to go all the way. The book says that any form of spousal intimacy is off-limits. So even an OTPHJWTBH (outside-the-pants handjob with the butthole) should make it clear that you’re not stepping on anyone’s beliefs. Cut the pockets out of your cargo shorts for easier access. Butter your girl up with a hymn, or drip hot candle wax all over her back from an out-of-season menorah. 8 times the pain = 8 times the pleasure. There’s nothing wrong with a tiny bit of crossover behind closed doors.
And don’t forget: once the sun goes down, it’s back to the regular-scheduled programming. As the darkness settles in, stop drawing attention to what separates you from the Jewish faith and start celebrating your common interests. After all, everyone loves a good bagel.