Rate Jeff Bezos' Sext Game: "I Want To Smell You."
The Daily Mail – Jeff Bezos’ steamy text messages to the TV anchor he had been having a relationship with for at least eight months before his split from his wife became public were revealed on Thursday and include comments from the billionaire such as…
I hate hate hate making fun of people for their sexts. Everybody sexts and 100% of us would be embarrassed if our sexts got out. It’s just how it is. It’s the name of the game. You say shit that you don’t want anyone else to ever see because your girl wants it, you want to flirt, you want to fuck, you want to do the damn thing. The benefits outweigh the risks. However as a public figure and someone who controls every single thing we buy on a daily basis it is our duty to report on Jeff Bezos’ now-public sext-scapades.
Power Ranking Jeff Bezos’ top 6 sexts:
6) In them, he told Lauren Sanchez, the former anchor of Fox 11’s Good Day, among other things: ‘I love you, alive girl.
“Alive Girl” as a pet name is weird. Even in the context of private sexting between two people. “Alive Girl.” That sets your standards of beauty fairly low. This sext applies to every human being that is not a necrophiliac. Can’t make the woman feel very special. That having a heart beat makes her Jeff’s type.
5) ‘I want to breathe you in’.
The romantic side of sexting. My favorite part. Anybody with a Wifi connection and the ability to type “Youjizz” in a web browser can say something dirty like what they want to do with their cock involving your tits and mouth or basically any available hole. It takes a true poet to use the English language like this to bring romance and sexuality alive from the screen. As an English major I can appreciate this one. “I want to breathe you in.” Mmmmmm. Beautiful.
4) ‘I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.’
Damn this Bezos is a ROMANTIC! I wasn’t wrong when I said he’s a poet. He must have had a bunch of Keats and Byron Prime’d to his house with one-day shipping to get in this kind of zone. Fellas, it’s not just the dick that does the job. It’s the body, the lips, even the connection formed with the eyes. Bezos knows that, that’s why he’s satisfying multiple women at the same time.
3) …In another, he said: ‘I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you.’
Rinse and repeat with everything I’ve said so far. Jeff “William Blake-zos.” Firm believer in the poetry of Sharon Olds and her views on “Sex Without Love” –
How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other’s bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health–just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.
2) ‘I want to smell you’
Ok now we’re just getting fucking grimy. Don’t be confused ladies. Jeff isn’t all butterflies and flowers and lollipops. He’s got that animalistic fuck side just like all of us.
1) He reportedly took her on vacations on his $65million private jet and sent her erotic selfies that were ‘too explicit’ even for the magazine to print.
Annnnnd that’s how you close the deal. The very essence of sexting: the nudes. If you ain’t sending nudes too explicit to post you ain’t sending nudes.
Bezos with a monopoly on not just the material-goods market, but the sexting/romance/fucking market as well.