Did Bruce Arians Throw the Football Game Last Night? It's Quite Possible
So I was home last night, and like most of you was watching the Cowboys-Cardinals Monday Night Football game. For the most part it was entertaining, with Carson Palmer coming out of the gates 11-11, thus putting the Cards ahead early by a touchdown. Eventually, Dallas woke up and took the lead in the game. Early in the 4th quarter, with Dallas leading by 7, Arizona faced a 2nd and 18 on their own 33 yard line. Palmer dropped back to throw and uncorked a bomb down the right sideline to speedster receiver J.J. Nelson. Nelson tracked down the ball and initially made an incredible catch over the shoulder, but was soon ruled incomplete by a few other officials after huddling up. A quick replay of the catch CLEARLY showed the ball squirt out of Nelson’s arms as he hit the ground, never mind it being dicey if he even got two feet in bounds in the first place. Arians without a doubt in his mind threw the challenge flag almost immediately as if it was the clearest catch he’d ever seen in his life. It was almost like he didn’t even consult any other coach or replay assistant upstairs.
I mean that is the most obvious incompletion I’ve ever seen. The ball is literally rolling on the ground. Fourth quarter timeouts? Who needs em? Let that red flag fly high in the air. FUCKING IDIOT.
Oh but don’t you worry, Bruce Arians wasn’t done yet. Later in the 4th, the Cowboys went up 28-17. Arizona faced a 4th and 15 on their own 20 with just over four minutes to go. Bruce Arians decided to punt here. Dude, you’re down two scores with 4:15 to play: I mean, you have to go for it. I guess with a few timeouts and the two minute warning it’s conceivable to punt it away. Your chances of winning the game either way in that spot are slim to none anyways so I won’t roast Arians there too much. Fine. The next part is where I become convinced Arians bet the under of 47 points.
Dallas went three and out on the next drive, punting the ball back to Zona with 3:05 left and no timeouts remaining. You need TWO SCORES Bruce. TWO. A touchdown along with a two point conversion and a field goal with ZERO timeouts. Anyone with a brain knows the game plan here is to get in field goal range as quick as possible, cut the lead down to 8, leave as much time as possible on the clock, and then pray for the onside kick.
On a 2nd and 21, out of the two minute warning, Palmer chucked one deep Chad Williams drawing a pass interference flag (a 35 yard penalty), putting the ball on the Dallas 35. A gift from the Gods to over backers, and Bruce Arians’ Cardinals more importantly. Now you need one quick pass to the sideline to get a little closer and you have your field goal with plenty of time for an additional drive should you get the onside kick. The next play Palmer found Bruce Ellington for an 11 yard gain, along with a declined defensive holding penalty (stopping the clock). There ya go Bruce. The clock is stopped, you’re in plenty field goal range for an easy 40 yarder for Phil Dawson. It’s literally all set up for you. It’s practically spelled out for you to kick it. John Gruden is literally screaming down from the booth to kick the fucking field goal. He almost left the telecast to send the kicking team on himself.
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Nope.
Palmer drops back to pass and is sacked, brining the ball back to the Cowboys 31 yard line. Spike the ball and kick the field goal Bruce.
Nope.
With a minute and 24 seconds left Palmer finds Brittan Golden on a 21 yard pass play down to the Cowboys 10 yard line. Golden manages to get out of bounds and stop the clock with 1:17 left. KICK THE FIELD GOAL.
Nope.
The next play draws a defensive holding penalty putting the ball on the 5. Fine at this point try a few times to score a touchdown I guess. Two incompletions follow the penalty leaving you 3rd and goal from the 5 with 1:06 left. Hey Bruce, I know you’re a moron and are still going for it but just throw the ball in the endzone if you’re gonna do it. What does Bruce call? A short out route to Larry Fitz who gets tackled in bounds. KICK THE FIELD GOAL.
Nope. Of course Bruce doesn’t have the field goal unit ready to run on the field and extend the game. Nope. He has Arizona’s offense scramble to the line of scrimmage as time ticks down (having zero idea what they’re doing) and has Palmer try to hit a prayer to Jermaine Gresham. The Cards turn it over on downs, despite being in field goal range for the previous EIGHT plays. EIGHT. Final score Cowboys 28 Cardinals 17. The total, sitting at 47 points, goes under miraculously. I mean I fully expect a 30/30 out in 15 years about the time Bruce Arians owed a Vegas mobster millions of dollars and used this MNF under to get out of it. It’s coming, don’t you worry. There’s just no other conceivable way to understand why Arians didn’t go for the field goal in any of those eight plays in Dallas territory. None.
To anyone with the over (most of you I would assume), I’m so so so sorry. No one deserved a loss like that.