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Death By Anal Is A Historically Bad Way To Die

It's alarming how much we talk about gruesome deaths on Twisted History, which is disturbing, but it's what the people want. Large and I have gotten death down to a science. Crunching the numbers and a botched hanging execution WOULD SUCK. Dangling like a wind chime for 10 minutes because your neck didn't properly break, slowly running out of oxygen, one eye popped out, is a pitiful way to go. You essentially get punched in the throat and then sleeper held into eternity. Flapping around in the breeze isn't ideal, but we've learned on the podcast there are much worse ways to go like being placed on a wooden pyramid and spit open from your anus (shoutout Nick and KB) ,or being stuffed into a scalding hot oven for your skin to be cooked off. These are Large and I's picks for worst ways to die ...

Giphy Images.

1. Judas Cradle: In the 16th century the Spanish decided they needed to tie up their religious and political enemies and set them on top of wooden pyramid to rest with all the weight on their asshole or vagina for hours OR DAYS. Nothing like getting split open by some good wood for 3-5 minutes, but hours and days? Not to mention splinters in your colon. 

2. The Brazen Bull: Taking off my flip flops and stepping onto the cement around the pool burns the fuck out of even my disgusting cross country runner hobbit feet, so The Brazen Bull terrifies me. Mentioned in the The Holy Bible and seen in the 2011 movie Immortals (redundant) you might be more familiar with this horrible way tp die. Invented by the Greeks and used by the Romans to persecute religious enemies, a fire would be lit under a hollow metal bull where a human would be placed inside to cook. The torture device was even known to have tubes leading to the person inside, not so they could breathe, but so bystanders could hear the horrible screams. 

If you were going to be executed in 24 hours what are you taking? The Cradle or The Bull? Being steamed alive sounds awful but at least it would be over quickly and not last DAYS. Cooked to death would be cause pain all over your body while the cradle is isolated to the most sensitive areas of the body. At the end of the day, Vibbs doesn't want to get split open. Let the record show.