I'm Pretty Sure I Just Fixed The Mets Bullpen In 5 Easy Steps
Look, I know the Mets got a big win yesterday thanks to Michael Conforto sacrificing his body in the name of the team and the bullpen not allowing a run. But we aren't going to win every game thanks to selfless moves that could result in dismemberment and you definitely cannot rely on clean sheets by the gasoline gang of Flushing all the time, so I decided to break down the best ways to fix the pen in this week's We Gotta Believe that is conveniently located above this blog. We discuss the series in Philly being a repeat of the last few seasons, recap the We Gotta Believe gala, and hop on for an instant postgame reaction to Michael Conforto's Opening Day heroics.
Anyway here is how I plan to do the impossible and actually fix the Mets bullpen once and for all.
1. Never Ever Let Edwin Diaz Change His Entrance Music Again
You can talk about the laces of the baseballs being raised in 2019, advanced analytics, or whatever other tales you'd like to explain Edwin Diaz's awful first season with the Mets. But you simply cannot deny that Diaz is a much better pitcher with the best entrance music in the game playing him in considering he has been good-to-great every season he used it. Hell, I'm starting to think my fat ass could put up a sub 3 ERA season with that entrance song if I didn't get winded from running in from the pen.
Anyway, I need someone to make sure that Edwin Diaz NEVER enters a game without that song playing again. I don't care if the Mets bullpen catcher has to run in with Diaz while playing it on his iPhone during road games. That song is the key to easy, breezy 9th innings for us for the foreseeable future.
2. Force Aaron Loup To Change His Name To Aaron Puol
I've been watching the Mets, and more importantly the Mets bullpen, long enough to know when a player is going to sink or swim pretty much as soon as I see them. Aaron Loup is a sinker. It's really doesn't have much to do with his performance since he has a 3.38 career ERA. But there is just no way a lefty reliever named Aaron Loup is going to succeed here. There are too many words that rhyme with Loup that the back pages of the New York newspapers can use after he gives up a bomb to Bryce Harper, Freddie Freeman, or Juan Soto along with his last name being wayyyyy too close to Braden Looper's.
Hitting Bryce Harper in the ass the first time he was called upon to get a big out before sealing the Mets fate on Opening Day/Night/Whatever The Fuck That Was is a harbinger of what's to come unless he changes his name. I completely understand that some people would feel weird changing the name passed down for generations, which is why I am asking Aaron to just reverse his name from Loup to Puol while with the Mets. Aaron Loup is a game blower. Aaron Puol is a mysterious lefty since nobody is sure how to pronounce his name. You can shave at least 2 runs off an ERA on that alone.
3. Make Dellin Betances Wear A Yankees Jersey On The Mound
I know this is probably against MLB uniform policy and would piss off pretty much every Mets fan on the planet. But I need the guy in that gif to come back ASAP. Like we said on the pod, there is no reason a 6'8" guy should be throwing 91 MPH. Now some would say that could be due to the shoulder impingement that landed Dellin on the IL. But I'm gonna say the juju of going from the Yankees to the Mets played a decent sized role in that, ESPECIALLY since he was coming off a goddamn Achilles injury. That's a double whammy that only the famed pinstripes can fix. If you think watching a guy in a Yankees jersey is tough to watch, try to stomach a guy that throws 91 with no control and is making $6 million to do it. If I'm the Mets, I just put Betances on the mound in a Yankees jersey if/when he comes back from this injury and force someone to say something about it. That's what George Costanza would do.
4. Seth Lugo Needs To Have The Best Stem Cells Injected Into His Elbow
Seth Lugo is my guy and all but we are all placing too much hope in The Quarter Rican coming back completely healthy and dealing like he has in the past. I'm not saying it's impossible but it's not going to be easy. Which is why I need him to go to whoever injected those stem cells into Bartolo Colon's arm and gave Big Sexy an incredible 2nd half of his career along with countless memories.
Goosebumps. Every single time.
I suppose there's a chance Seth will be just fine considering he's only been out a few months. But in this new era of the Mets, I subscribe to the #WhateverItTakes method to winning.
5. Jacob deGrom Has To Pitch Complete Games
Honestly, despite everything I just laid out in this blog, there is no way I can see deGrom shaking the hex that the Baseball Gods apparently placed upon him that has spanned years with multiple bullpens.
So in a time where pitchers' arms are babied more than ever, I think we have to zag where everyone is zigging and just let Jake throw CGs the rest of the way. Yeah it may shorten his career a bit but at this rate, I'd rather have a shorter career with more wins than a longer career with more losses.
You may realize I didn't mention a certain person named Jeurys in this blog, but that's because there is no way to change him. He's gonna be a rollercoaster for better or worse his entire career. Hopefully our defense improves so those weird dribblers and flares that always lead to pure chaos get caught. Trevor May will be fine when we can give him the nickname Mad Dog on the podcast. And I believe Sandy as well as the finest nerd mind's Uncle Stevie's money can buy will find the perfect bullpen arms in a trade since Brodie traded away all the potential young arms that should be waiting in the Minors for light hitting center fielders the last few years.
If none of this works, it's okay because I have plenty of Coors Lights to responsibly drink in order to chill me out. But as much as I love drinking from those cold mountains during times of trouble, there is nothing better than drinking them after a win like yesterday.