Did Katy Perry Kill A Nun Over The Weekend? All Signs Point To Yes

SCMP - After 89 years on Earth, Sister Catherine Rose Holzman looked into a camera on Friday and addressed what would turn out to be some of her last words to Katy Perry, the pop star.

“Katy Perry, please stop,” the nun said on Fox 11 in Los Angeles. Please stop trying to buy the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary’s convent, even though the nuns had gone to court to block the sale.

“It’s not doing anyone any good,” Holzman said, then walked into a courtroom, collapsed and died.

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I’m not saying Katy Perry killed a nun over the weekend for legal reasons, but what I am saying is someone better be investigating Katy Perry killing a nun over the weekend, for legal reasons. You’re telling me this nun went to court to fight Katy Perry, and then collapsed and died? That’s a story as old as time itself. I’ve seen enough movies (and the first season of Riverdale) to know one does not just collapse and die when engaged in a high-stakes court case with a snake like Katy Perry. There’s much more to this than meets the eye. Was it poison? Was it some sort of gas pumped into the convent? My best guess is Katy Perry piped her music into Sister Catherine Rose Holzman’s bed room until it drove her crazy, like some sort of sick and twisted episode of Black Mirror.

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The sisters have owned the sprawling Roman-villa style convent for 40 years.

Only a small handful of nuns were still alive when they vacated the complex several years ago, as the diocese looked for someone to buy it.

That someone was Perry – known for her hit “I Kissed a Girl”, among other things. The nuns did not approve.

“I found her videos and … if it’s all right to say, I wasn’t happy with any of it,” Sister Rita Callanan told The Los Angeles Timesin 2015.

The nuns had accepted that the legal system would not save their convent from being sold to a pop star, so they pleaded with the Vatican and Perry herself to take mercy.

Then they stood up and walked inside the courtroom, and only one came out.

That’s all the evidence I need. I do declare

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What sort of person would take nuns to court over their house of worship and then kill one of them? This type:

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Hold up…

Enhance that picture please….

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Oh my goodness gracious.

All the evidence is there and it’s crystal clear. I’m not saying I’m doing the police department’s job for them, but there’s a reason Law And Order is on television 24 hours a day. It all adds up to me. Open and shut case, Johnson.

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PS: If we’re being real, I’d kill a nun for this place too. Holy fucking moly!

ABC offers you $25 million a year to host a shitty remake of American Idol and you get to live there and all you have to do is kill a nun, wyd?