Soxfest 2019 Starts Tonight, Here's All You Need To Know On The Event

So Soxfest 2019 starts tonight and I wanted to give everyone a primer, as I’m a seasoned vet at the event.  And when I say seasoned vet I mean I get turned down for actual credentials every year and just mooch passes off my friends in the ticket office:

I get asked a lot what to expect at Soxfest every year, so I wanted to do this for all the first timers out there.  Here’s anything and everything you need to know:

There are a LOT of autograph weirdos that attend these events:

And when I say autograph weirdos, I’m not talking about 10 year old kid’s looking to get Carson Fulmer’s name inked on a plastic Spalding baseball that will be chewed up by the family golden retriever the next day.  I’m talking about the 40+ year old dudes that form lines around the block and wait 2+ hours to take a picture with someone like Aaron Bummer.  People that live and breath that #AutographLyfe.  People that you’d think were a parody account of a Chicago meathead until you realize they’re actually just meatheads.  People like everyone’s least favorite White Sox meathead, Kenwo:

E.G.

I don’t think I need to tell you, but just in case I do – autograph people are the biggest assholes on the planet.  Autograph people like Kenwo.  DON’T BE KENWO

Old Players walk around the event, and many of them look BAD:

It’s crazy that not too long ago, these guys were professional athletes, and now they look like dumpster fires.  They can be found in the lobby by the hotels and/or slinging drinks at the pop up bars scattered throughout the event, or posting up at Kitty O’Shea’s.  Let’s go over a few examples:

Here’s Carl Everett:

Crazy Carl here looks like he is currently residing under an El track.

Balding? Check
Overweight? Check
Crewneck sweatshirt that was accidentally bleached? Check

Crazy Carl here looks like he should be living under an El track.  And I know what you’re thinking: “WSD why in the fuck are you asking Carl Everett about dinosaurs?”  It’s simple.  Carl Everett HATES dinosaurs.  Refuses to believe they existed.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s proof:

“God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and
then made Adam and Eve,” Everett said last Friday, before the Red
Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. “The Bible never says anything
about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you
never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever
saw a Tyrannosaurus rex.”

Ya know what Crazy Carl has a point!!!  Fuck dinosaurs #TeamCarl

Here’s Joe Crede:

Now this wasn’t taken at Soxfest but a once premier corner defender who was good for 30+ home runs a few times now weighs so much his shins might just shatter beneath him.

Now to be truthful, there are a handful of players that look like they could still lace em up today.  Aaron Rowand looks great (he’s coaching in the Sox system as a roving instructor) Jose Contreras doesn’t look a day over 40 even though he looked like he was 40 in 2005 and Scotty Pods still looks great as well.  But the majority of them look like they sit around and pound Busch Heavy all day.

The Seminars are the best part of the entire event

Because I’m a nice guy, here are the seminar schedules:

You can cross everything off your list other than the Hahn seminar at 10am, the Hawk seminar at 12pm and Don Cooper’s seminar at 2pm.  I’ll break them down more specifically:

1. Hahn will talk for an hour straight and you’ll leave thinking he just told you everything about the inner workings of the organization.  Then you’ll think about it the next day and realize he didn’t tell anyone anything at all and he’s a master of lawyer speak.

2. Hawk is Hawk and will make everything about him but he’s hilarious and a real life Forrest Gump so you don’t want to miss him at all

3. Coop will look hungover as balls, be in sweats and is also hilarious.  He just DGAF.  Best pitching coach in baseball.

If you want to stick around to listen to the prospects talk about their growth as players and stutter and stammer while doing so, fine, I won’t hold it against you but it’s all the same shit.

The garage sale is sneaky awesome:

Be prepared to spend a fuck ton of money here.  Impulse buying like you read about.  But where else can you get a vintage 2005 World Series champion snap back?

or a broken bat used by none other than Juan “The Coke Can” Uribe broken bat for $100?

or a game used Gavin Floyd 83 jersey even though Gavin Floyd never played for the Sox when they started wearing the 83s?

That would be the Soxfest garage sale and that is it.  These are all collectors items so they’ll appreciate in value like a vintage wine from the Bordeaux region of France.

Kitty O’Shea’s is the place to be:

Two years ago I got to Soxfest on a Friday night and posted up in Kitty O’Shea’s with a few friends at about 5pm.  We didn’t end up leaving the bar until 2am when it closed.  I also randomly sat there and argued with Todd Steverson for about 2 hours on his approach to teaching hitting and I gotta say I bet you he walked away impressed.  Didn’t go to one seminar, the garage sale, etc.  In fact now that I think about it, you don’t even need a pass to get into Kitty O’Shea’s because it’s at the front of the hotel and before you get to the checkpoint to enter the event itself.

So if this is your first time attending Soxfest, here’s all you need to know.  It’s a solid time even though this year Hahn is going to be straight up PEPPERED with updates on Machado, Moncada, Harper, Pederson, etc.  Two years ago it was all happy with the rebuild having commenced, last year it was “okay that season was brutal let’s start fucking winning” and now it’s gonna be “we’ve suffered through two of the worst seasons in the organization’s history so please don’t fuck up Machado.”

And for the record for those asking, there isn’t gonna be a Machado “surprise” announcement tonight.  Not even sure the CBA would allow the suppression of an announcement just for a fan fest, since it’d hold up the free agency market flow.

Bet Hahn is really looking forward to it though!  See everyone tomorrow

And if you are going and have any good videos at all, send it all to me.  WSD@barstoolsports.com