Public Service Announcement: Do Not Black Out And Burn Thousands Of Dollars Of Furniture At Your Chicago Country Club

Story: Two men set fire to thousands of dollars worth of furniture this week at the south suburban Olympia Fields Country Club, according to Cook County prosecutors. One of the men, 25-year-old Lincoln Park resident Jacob A. Bourassa, is a member of the club and invited his friend, 26-year-old Kurt S. Altrichter, to join him in renting a room, prosecutors said at a joint court hearing Saturday. The pair spent its time playing golf, drinking and eating before going to an outdoor fire pit at the end of the day, prosecutors said. At the pit, the two men started to throw wicker furniture into the fire, prosecutors said. By the time they were done, Bourassa and Altrichter had burned $3,311.15 worth of furniture, court records show. Club officials called Olympia Fields police, who arrested Bourassa and Altrichter and charged them with felony counts of arson, court records show.

I used to light shit on fire all the time as a kid. Anything and everything. Experts say it’s a sign of being extremely fucked up. I’m not here to dispute any of that. I haven’t spent my life studying kids committing arson. I was just the kid burning shit. So excuse me while I reserve judgment because I know firsthand how satisfying it can be to watch thousands of dollars of wicker furniture burn for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Sue me. I love the smell of gasoline and good old fashioned turpentine. Even just typing that was satisfying.

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That said, I think it’s interesting no one cares to specify how much furniture was destroyed, just that it was $3,300. And remember that’s country club dollars, a unique sub-currency in the United States that inflates the cost of standard goods and services by 200-300%. Mix in the fact that Olympia Fields (2003 US Open site) is fancy AF and we really could be talking about an arm chair and an ottoman at the end of the day here. Idk. I haven’t seen the itemized receipt I’m just working off a number and speculating that maybe the damage is not what it seems. Maybe these guys deserve their day in court and it was one big mix up. A funny accident, if you will.

Which reminds me of probably the smartest thing my Uncle Frank has ever told me: Try to avoid hallucinogens at the fire pit after a long day of cocktailing on the golf course. #RIPIP Uncle Frank.

Update 4:38pm CDT – The members of OFCC have contacted me with official photographs of the damage. Thank God. Rumor has it there was a member guest on Friday and these guys got a little sauced up and burned this shit down after. The next day (aka Saturday) they were on the Rim of the South Course aka the 13th hole aka the farthest end of a 700-acre property when the Cops made their move. They purposely waited for them to get that far out so they could have the longest walk back to the clubhouse in handcuffs. That’s my kind of law and order.