MMBM: Sing Us A Song You're The Schiano Man!
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
(Sung to the tune of “Piano Man” by Elton John)
Well its 9 AM on a Sunday
The Athletic Director shuffles in
Theres a loud man interviewing
Who just wants to be head coach again
Coach opened up a big binder
that was filled to the brim with his plays
It had dives, wham’s, and sweeps- and blitzes and sneaks
And the one where you dive at there legs
Loss loss loss loss loss loss loss, loss loss win win loss, loss loss loss
His name is Gregory Schiano
And hes just what the Vols need to break through
He’s big and he’s scruffy, and he drove over a kids Huffy
While working at The OSU
Sing us a song, your the Schiano man
Sing us a song tonight
You never were charged with a felony
But you could of been a bit more contrite
Loss loss loss loss loss loss loss, loss loss win win loss, loss loss loss
Now Greg never won the Big East conference,
He allmost came close once or twice.
He cried like a baby, and kept losing to Navy
And then blamed it all on Ray Rice
But hes paid his dues as a coordinator
He leads The Ohio States D
His egos humungous and he lives in Columbus
And he think’s he can coach SEC
Sing us a song, your the Schiano man
Sing us a song tonight
You never were charged with a felony
But you could of been a bit more contrite
But Tenneseeans brought out there pitch forks
Volunteer fans said he woudnt suffice
He had too much baggage, and that bugged Clay Travis
Who’s children are drowning in lice
Well Schiano had singed all his paperwork
And he gave his poor wife a big smooch
But how coud he know he’d be jettisoned
After lasting less time then the Mooch
Sing us a song your the Schiano Man,
Your would of turned around Tennesee
That locker room culture can be remedied,
With elbow grease, staph, and gangrene
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Mickey Ganitch
Look at this fella. I tell you what the attack on pearl harbor was a very serous gave us a bloody nose but the only way to defeat a West Coast Offense is to get down in a three-point stance of the nuclear triad. Mickey understand this more then just about anyone.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Jeff Fisher is being considered as a executive for the NFL and let me tell you that is a terrific idea. It seems like the job that Fisher was born to have. Installing Jeff Fisher as the next commoissioner would ensure that the entire league would continue there 97 year streak of going a combined .500 for as long as he was in office. The NFL dosent need a big flashy charismatic, sex-icon like Goodell to make waves- they need Jeff Fisher whose steady approach of not really doing anything diffrently ever is exactly how giant corporations like Blockbuster should be run. Jerry Jones should line up and suppor the Fish for Commish 2018 movement because you dont need a shadow commissioner when your leaders to lazy to throw shade on anyone to begin with.
2. We learned about nature verse nurture on this morning’s Pardon My Take. In a classic case of grit verse glam- the real life goofus and gallant Kelce brothers were apparently raised in a perfectly controlled study where one grew up playing hockey and the other basketball. This is the type of stuff that makes sociologists so wet they practicaly drown in their own lubrication. Dr. Mengele would of had a field day with this family and the results are pretty clear- Jason Kelce played hockey and grew up to be a offensive lineman with a cool beard and a lifetime cleansheet of 0 personal foul penaltys. Travis Kelce played basketball and has like a million penalties per quarter and doesnt look like he hs much regard for authority. Also basketball player’s get into fights with there opponets and fans, and hockey players dont just food for thought. If you let your children play basketball you should be taken away by federal agents so they dont become jack-booted thugs.
The Eagles are a interesting case because they have offically entered the “I dont know if there good yet” pantheon of teams that have won alot of games but theres still alot of games out there that they havent won yet, and that concerns me.
3. Charles Manson passed away and I mean this is the least offensive way possble but he would of made a outstanding football coach. Not only were people willing to run through a brick wall but they were willing to keep themselfs locked behind one for the rest of there lives because of him. Obvously he channeled his energy in inapproprate directions, leading people to ruin there lives and destroy the well being of other peoples lives as opposed to playing football which has none of those consequences. A football team is a family and no one understood the importance of keeping secrets in house more than Charlie even if it was in someone elses house.
4. Man you talk about a meeting of the minds here
My favorite part of this is that while this is absoluteley 100% tampering theres no chance anyone cares enough to actualy do anything about it. If the Browns break any rules its the ultmate tree falling in the forest situation. The Browns could be having discussions with Vladamir Putin about building a landbridge for a invading army over lake erie and NORAD woud just be like “eh, thats not really our department maybe call the mounties.”
5. I knew it. The dog from the Aaron Rogers state farm commercals isnt even really his dog. Its a actor, and as a matter of fact it probably hates him.
This is the whole Howie Long/ Terry Hatcher radio schack thing all over again. Frankly theres a case to be made for false advertising and I would like to plan a elaborate fake kidnapping of the dog just to see if Rogers can even pretend to be upset. We’ll tell him were sawing the dog in half and giving part of it to Clay Matthews and see how little he care’s. This is absolutely sickening.
6. Aqib Talib is the real master of the turnover chain and now folks hes got two pelts on his wall.
I actually love this, I want my defense of backs playing with necklace abandon out there. Folk’s I call Aqib Talib “CB radio” because he goes HAM. You had your prevous generation of Cortland Finnegans who trid too hard to get under WRs skin, when you could just rip the jewelry off of the outside of it.
7. As Drew Magary pointed out, Tennessee shot itself in the foot BIG time by passing on a coach who has more experence then anyone in dealing with opponets who are beating them in the final seconds. It would of been a tremendous culture fit for the Universty of Tennessee that has lost all of its games and had such a miserable season that there sideline mascot was literaly a trash can. Not to sound all insenstive but I do understand UTs fanbase when they say that a person who has a history of exploiting children at a major college program has no place representing the NCAA in any capacty whatsoever except perhaps as its president.
8. Many people are erronously reporting that the Cleveland Browns have been elimnated from playoff contention when thats simply not true. In the event of a nuclear war, or maybe even just a normal safe war, the rosters from just about every other NFL team woud be depleted through mandatory miltary conscription for our nations best athletes. The Browns have very queitly assembled a team of cockroaches more equipped at surviving a apocalypse then perhaps any franchise in NFL history. If your the Marine Corps and you have a option on taking AJ Green or Kenny Britt its truly a no-brainer. The Browns would essentally become a League of Their Own and barnstorm around the country entertaning the elderly and children. Hue Jackson knows that the Doomsday clock is closer to midnight then its ever been before, so he is truly the only coach whose built his team to compete in the modern era. Hue Jackson is playing war games while your all playing checkers.
9. Peter King lists his top 5 team’s that could possibly beat the New England Patriots, but fails to include the New Engladn Patriots themselves. More disrepsect from the national media not that Im suprised. The Patriots are the only team that can beat themselves I put the spread at New England +3 over the Patriots if the game is played on a nuetral site. Lets be honest we’re going to see the Pats verse Vikings in the Superbowl and Tom Brady is going to end his career by destroying the Vikings who will be classicaly passive agressive Minnesota-nice and let there visitors make themselves at home. And I’m going to absoluteley hate every second of it.
10. Lets get serous. This is the 10th annversary of Sean Taylors death and ESPN did a profile on all the player’s who looked up to Sean who’re now playing in the National NFL Football League. It definitely would of definitely made Sean proud to know how he changed the game, but I think this also points to a larger trend that every other NFL expert has failed to notice:
I posit that the qualty of QB play hasnt gotten that much worse in the last several years, but rather all the old QBs that got to play from 2007 until about 2015 just appeared to be that much better on account of they didnt have to play against Sean Taylor. If you put Aaron Roers against Taylor he would of looked more like Matt Flynn this is just a simple fact. The modern QBs are now going up against players who learned how to play the game from watching Sean and learning how to be great from him and now they’re using his influence to make QBs look bad again.
True fact: Sean Taylor was the only person I ever saw hit a fullback so hard that his runningback fumbeled. This wasnt just any backfield ether it was Lorenzo Neal and Ladanian Tomlinson. RIP in peace.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? Contract Eatin’ SZN
Its buyout season which means its the easiest time of year to make money for not doing any work. Allready we’ve got Kevin Sumlin and Jim Mora Jr lining up at the world’s most lucrative unemployment line and I’m pretty sure Charlie Weiss has some sort of Bobby Bonnilla-like contract where he literaly gets paid a shit load of bread every year at this time. I mean like bread literally not like slang for money though. Bread, dough, cheese, whatever you call it* the only thing Charlie Weis wont eat is the remaining years on that contract.
*(except lettuce)
I need to speak w my accoutant (dog) because I’ve been leaving alot of money on the table for not coaching football this past year. I’m of the mindset that if you want to get in line to be a organization paying Chip Kelly to not be your football coach he shoud still be under contract and required to perform other dutys as long as he’s still getting paid. Oregon should be aloud to call him up to have him give campus tours, or check the urinary hydration levels of incoming freshmen. I would literaly make Jim Mora the official get back guy of Chip Kellys jock strap on the sidelines. Just walking around trying to hold on to it- you call yourself a athletic supporter well how about you start acting like one.