MMBM: As A Ginger, Does Jon Gruden Fulfill The Rooney Rule?

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Back Monday is here in the NFL and folks lets start with a moment of silence for all the Coaches who have been fired. Sometimes we lose the human element in all this but these are families, and now there kids are going to have to pay out-of-state tuition in college if they ever transfer out of their private university. There wives are going to have to get used to having their wierdo husbands around all the time. And the audition process for TV analyst jobs can be a grueling 2 or sometime’s even three day ordeal. So please- moment of slince

shut the fuck up please

Ok so a bunch of incompetent assholes and choking jerkdicks got shitcanned, and this COULD be a day to mourn but its also a day to celbrate some of the folks who go about this in a quiet classy manner- namely Jon Gruden. Its known in NFL circles that you NEVER talk about another mans job and Gruden repsected this when it came to Jack Del Rio since he technicaly gave himself a promotion to Partial Owner before he even got hired as Head Coach.

Gruden to Oakland is a formalty at this point- and I believe that The Raiders should actualy be given a exemption for the Rooney Rule- they want to give the gig to Gruden and so bringing in other people to interview would be entrapment into them talking about another mans job. Plus aside from the fact that Gruden is a ginger and only has one family member currently serving as a NFL coach Id say hes a minority. Hes literaly a brother. Checkmate. Also when you think about it at least one of his parents must of been black as recently as 2001 when he inherited his entire roster from Tony Dungy. If all this isnt enough, as a heterosexual white male with a podcast , Im technicaly a minority too so if any teams are looking to fufill Rooney Rule requirements Id be happy to interview.

So why did the Raiders hire Gruden? I think its centered around the franchises upcoming move to Las Vegas. First of all Jack Del Colorado Rio would of been dammed from the start. He’s not a Vegas guy like Gruden. Hell Gruden likes big Slots so much he’ll keep playing them even if there not winning as in the case of Joe Jurevicius. Plus. In Vegas your suppose to hit on anything under 17 so expect the QB collector Gruden to bring Mark Sanchez in for a look.

With Grudens absence, ESPN has some very intresting opportunities to go for there new MNF color person. Given the networks tendencys to bark at whatever shiny object another network does- they could look to get there own Tony Romo, and would have a easy target in the talented QB who cant win in the playoffs department in Jay Cutler. But there are alot more intresting options out there and to name just a few:

-Bill Walton watching the game through a kalidscope

-Clay Travis just sucking his own dick and incessently talking about how bad the broadcast is while hes on it

-A Colin Kapernick and Rush Limbaugh odd couple duo just embracing debate all over the place& giving a little red meat to all sides

Now Ive also heard rumblings that ESPN is prepared to make Gruden the highest paid broadcaster in ESPN history, eclisping Jon Gruden from last year, or this could be a play to extract a raise out of the Raiders maybe for the right to murder Mark Davises first born son before it grows up and violently drags everyone in the orgnization into the upside down. Either way Gruden could be on the move again.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Drew Stanton

I’ve never heard a bigger indictment of Carson Wentz in my entire life folks. I have literaly been saying for years that players should get there ACLs removed like its a appendix so that they eliminate the chance of rupturing it. Or it could be like a vasectomy and get it snipped but you could retie it later if you wanted to walk your kids across the stage at graduation if your Derek Rose.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Hue Jackson is the new football rasputin given that hes being retained for another year after going 1-31,perhaps hes convinced Jimmy Haslam that the wins are simply coming later in the form of rebates- a bargain that Mr Haslam is intimiteley familiar with. He made a promise last year that if they went 1-15 or worst then he would jump into the Cuyahoga river in January I guess in a effort to light himself on fire like a buddhist monk protesting the Vietnam war and you cant fire a guy for expressing his beliefs of pacifism wether in the offseason or on the football field I guess.

2. 

The original Catholics verse Tigers was fought in the Roman Collesium but its about to be a rematch in the Citrus Bowl today. The main difference between a priest and Coach O is that number one- Coach Ed would never be described as white collar, and number 2 most priests I know are to chickenshit to use a caymen to circumcize a baby boy. Cant be afraid to set the edge. Tigers by a million.

3. No one falls off the wagons like Bills fans and no one circles them like there coaches

Buffalo is like a spawning ground for coaches I guess, whereas New England is like a terrorist breeding ground of coaches who go somewere else and blow up franchises. The Belichick coaching tree is just a mighty oak with a bunch of fat suicide bombers who got caught hanging from all the limbs.

4. Sad to see Coach Bruce Arians walk away from football but something tell’s me he’s not ready for civilian life. Recall, if you will,  Shawshank Redemption when Brooks got let out of jail after like infinity years behind bars and didnt know how to handle all the freedom. Prison is the ultmate locker room, and Bruce has lived his entire life in a team facilty of one sort or another so he would need like a seeing-eye dog to teach him how to carry on a conversaton without calling someone a slapdick or trying to cut his wife for parking in his spot. Bruce Arians has spendt so much time coaching football he probably dosent even know how to speak without using a whistle. I think this could be a play for Bruce to become one of the first head coaches in the new XFL where stretching is forbiden and players wear kangols instead of helmets and if your thirsty help yourself to some eggshell white sherwin-williams- the only fencing reflex you should have is to paint it son.

5. If the Miami Dolphins hadnt fired there old OLine coach they probably would of had a much better chance at rolling up the Bills?.

6. Busy day for the Ravens who managed to blow a 96% chance at making the playoffs by loosing to the Bengals on a 4th &12 at home. Jon Harbaugh was absoluteley right when he said it was unfair to have a late home game so close to New Years day which is the first of the month when most Ravens fan’s have to be checking in with there parole officers. They also lost there heart and soul- a guy whose name literaly translates to Leader Number One:

7. Speaking of former Ravens coordinators/vegetables, Jim Caldwell was let go by the Lions this morning. Caldwells tenure will be marked by the fact that no one knew wether he was alive or dead for 4 years, which hitory buffs will recognize as what we call Coolidging. Caldwell had perhaps the most ironic last name in the history of the NFL given his skillset orchestrating a offense, with a close second going to Jim Bob Cooter for being unable to stop Johnson from pulling out early.

8.  How much of the Buffalo Bills playoff appearence should be credited to Nathan Peterman? Id say a good amount of it. The Bills are 4-3 after getting some of the magic peterdust sprinkled on them back in November. He was such a motivating factor for his offense of line knowing that if they screwed up protecting Tyrod they woud be stuck with Peterman playing again. Now the Bills have a shot at a Superbowl-I call him Richie Incognito Mode because when no one was watching they used him to open up a window for themselfs and now they get to try to finish.

9. While the Bills are in Chrome mode, the Bears jsut went to fire Fox. The Bears are a intresting landing spot for a offensive coach given that Fox didnt really use Trubisky enough to know wether or not he’s good- which is kind of the built-in insurance plan against getting fired that Fox was banking on. Its like when a guy datea  girl and makes her gain alot of weight because he dosent want anyone to want her- thats kind of Jon Foxs philosophy for maintaining a job coaching a football team- just hire like Jake Delhomme and Kyle Orton and make the job so undesirbale that the ownership is afraid to fire you because they know no one worthwhile will want it. Although- the last two jobs Jon Fox has gotten fired from have made the Superbowl within five years, hes like a seagull that you see on a lifeboat and you know that land is near, excpet at least the seagull knows how to get things done through the air.

10. Rob Gronkowski pitched a perfect game yetserday with zero catches, bringing his season total to exactly 69 in a day that was a symphony of Belichickian mastery. From installing thermometers on the Jets sideslines to let his opponents know that it was cold, to getting dressed up like a mortal combat character, to winning a football game with Brian Hoyer- this was Belichick just reminding people that he is Bill Belichick and your not.

11. The Bengals understand the importence of consistancy:

That person in the Bengals orgnization is likely just Mike Brown. But I completeley understand this- changing things sucks and is too much work. If you fire Marvin Lewis, you sign up for all the work that goes along with it like  changing the nameplate on his door, and having all his desk lizards that hes painted up like model airplanes, or whatever the hell he does all day instead of designing a coherent offense, removed from their terrariums and rehomed. And in the case of the Bengals if it ain’t broke dont fix it. The last thing Cincinatti needs is expectations- all they have to do is be better then the Browns. Expectations are what got Obama and Jim Caldwell fired

12. Funny how you say its global warming but yesterday it was cold during all the NFL games. In fact it was so cold that giant thermometers had there own Octobox before the games. It was clear as day to anyone with skin that it was cold enough to freeze Cromartie sperm, but the liberal media led by noted MMBM reader (not to brag) and must-follow Diana Russini went out of there way to try to show you that it was so warm outside that water that you’d expect to freeze was actually just water when they poured it upside down:

I want ice water running through my QBs veins not being dumped all over the sidelines like your celebrating a ant that just won a superbowl. If anything I think this was mind games to distract Blake Bortles who just learned that water became snow once it got cold. Probly blew his mind.

Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? Someone teach Lane Kiffin How To Code Please

At this point Lane Kiffin just needs to open up his own app its like Uber except Lane Kiffin is the only customer and the cars are just his cowrokers wife’s vaginas. Such a sly dog dropping that little nugget at the ned