MMBM: A Very Special Roast Of The City Of Pittsburgh
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Welcome everyone to the roast of the city of Pittsburgh I know some of you Pitt people in the audence might not be familiar with a roast since it involves preparing food without stealing it, poaching it in butter, and frying it, but basicaly I’m here to tell everyone how much I hate you in a effort to cover up my lifelong pain of being a Capitals fan going into tonights must win/cant lose game 6.
Pittsburgh is actualy a wonderful food town. You know your absolutely killing it when your towns biggest exports are French Fries and polish dumplings your culinary scene is basicaly Hitlers grocery list. And man have you ever had a Primanti brothers sandwich? You guys are like the George Washington Carvers of figuring out more effecent ways to graduate to type 2 diabetes. Im actualy not going to make fun of the whole french fries on the sandwich thing because everyone makes fun of that, so in the spirit of your towns dietary traditons I will be going out of my way to avoid low-hanging fruit as well as any and all vegetables. I will however give lots of credit to Pittsburgh for having the courage to name there baseball team the Pirates to give a voice to the majorty of Yinzers battling scurvy.
The best thing anyone can say about your city is that all your sports teams wear the same colors which was built out of necessity for a town that hates doing laundry. You have three rivers which puts you still 8 behind the Los Angeles Chargers daycare facilty, and with all that water converging on one location its basicaly Gods way of subliminally telling you all to take a bath. Maybe take a hint.
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The entire city is run by a old school gangster warlord family who made there money by distributing ketchup instead of bootlegging. The Heinz crest is identical to the Kennedys except the underage babysitter on yours is wearing a sleep apnea mask. The Heinz family is so fat they spent there entire lives coming up perfecting a formula that would turn a cocktail into a sauce. The Heinz family is so dumb they had to mix 57 ingredents together to make a combination of ketchup and mustard that didnt taste like shit. The Heinz family is like if the Kraft family all had strokes and forgot how to make good tasting food and/or use James Harrison in a defensive scheme.
Pittsburgh is the Florida of Western Pennsylvania with more sports talk radio its a entire local econmy fueled by takes. You woudnt need to be able to buy beer in a grocery store ether if you could just turn on Mark Madden on your car stereo and get a contact high from his breath. My favrite part about Pittsburgh is how you have to drive through a mountain to get into it- the entire city is wearing a chastity belt that would even keep Big Ben out.
Now we get to the Vile Penguins. In nature, Penguins travel 300 miles round trip once a year just to get laid, your like if a bird was a college freshman. Your ice hockey team is named after a animal that cant walk on ice without slipping its like Buffalo naming a football team after something they cant afford to pay, or Dan Snyder owning a team named the Redskins when hes phycialy incapable of being embarassed.
Sidney Crosby is the worlds only rude Canadian which is like being the only Brazillian with a small butt. Have you seen Sidney Crosbys stupid red mouth he looks as if Jessica Rabbit sucked the Kool Aid Mans dick. Your most likable hockey player is widely known for being obsessed with hot dogs and your best two players are nicknamed Lips and Asshole. Geno Malkin is a jerkass version of Alexander Ovechkin with a lobotomy where you replaced the part of his brain that experences joy with a flashing neon sign that just said “wait for Sideny to pass you the puck”. Admittedly, sitting around with your thumb up your butt letting Sid get super close to scoring before doing anything is a Pittsburgh playoff traditon that dates all the way back to Barry Bonds in the 1992 NLCS.
Your goalie Matt Murray finds his glove in worse positions then Michael Jackson. Holy crap I havent seen anyone with reflexes this bad since Todd Haley tried to brace his fall. He finds himself all the way at the top of the crease standing out like a sore thumb so much its more like he plays for Clitsburgh. Folks, Matt Murray is so bad at defending his crease Ben Rothlisberger keeps trying to slide him his room key. Good news is its not like you had a good goaltender over the past few years that is leading his new team to success or anything. Funny to hear all the Penguins fans whine about the obvous no-goal in game two. Youd think they would know all about how sometimes different angles tell a diffrent story as a entire fanbase that cant see there own dicks, no offense.
I like Brian Dumolin.
For a town that cooks so much meth you guys have by far the worse ice in the NHL. I dont know how you guys make it but Im pretty sure you just make Leveon Bell fill up a gravity bong with groundwater from three mile island and then send 5-days sober Matt Barnaby out onto the ice to try to hold it as level as possble. Pittsburghs greatest economic exports are people who leave Pittsburgh and then start sports bars for other people who have also left Pittsburgh which is ironic because your football team hasnt had alot of luck with ex-Patriots. Of course the big debate in Pittsburgh is if your a Iron City drinker or Yeungling. Personaly I think the city beer should of been changed to Rolling Rock since the Steelers proved time and again how bad they were at covering Moss.
People always talk about the swirling breezes of Heinz field without mentoning that its just a bunch of yinzers unpredictably farting in the concourse level that causes so much havoc with the wind. My stadium would be pretty hard to kick in too if my fanbases diet consisted soleley of potato bean stew and a sense of entitlement earned from being the first team to figure out what HGH was.
Listen no one can argue with your sustaned success in football and hockey especally not Washington DC, but just because you write “GED” after your name on every email dosent mean you get to call yourselves titletown. I kid because I love, and Pittsburgh has allways been a good city to me if you dont count all of the times it has sucked my soul out of my butt. For instance you gave us Mike Florio and Pat McAfee, a lawyer turned blogger and a punter turned blogger, proving that people from Pittsburgh can do anything they set there minds to as long as they dont need to ever have sex or be respected by anyone. But being a Caps fan is perhaps the only thing less satisfying then being married to DJ Khaled and Im sick of never even being allowed to reach the climax of the playoffs. So please Im begging you, for once Pittsburgh, just do what Joey Porter couldnt do- and go home after the second round.