Spygate 2 is Becoming a Huge Story Because People are Stupid
If you thought the Patriots would release a statement explaining how a credentialed member of their staff was in the press box at the stadium in Cleveland with the Browns' permission to film the team's advance scout at work for a segment Kraft Productions does on their football employees called "Do Your Job":
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... and that that would be the end of it, and Spygate 2 would become the shortest lived "scandal" of all time, you'd better think again. If you've been paying even the tiniest micro-particle of attention over the last 20 years, you should have noticed there is no limit to Patriots Derangement Syndrome.
I woke up this morning to find "Spygate 2" trending on my Twitter. And I'll admit, the fact that last night I decided to put "Spygate II" in a headline but the rest of the world ignored my Roman numeral and went right to an Arabic bothers the hell out of me. But I'll put my ego aside for a moment and focus on the task at hand. Because this is a real mental health crisis right now. A pandemic that is afflicting millions across the country. Media outlets, Blue Checkmarks and Twitter nobodies alike actually believe the Patriots sent a cameraman to Cleveland to gain an unfair competitive advantage against the 1-12 Bengals:
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Yup. The world has got that right. And this is just the tip of the tip of the iceberg. I could've posted a 1,000 of these. And I have no doubt there'll be a million more by the time I've posted this. The Patriots are BUSTED. Caught red handed. Those sharp eyed Bengals employees may have zero ability to spot football talent, recognize a play from its formation or decipher a defense from a presnap read. But they know a spy in their midst when they see one. You can fool them on every down on the field, but you can't fool them with a cameraman wearing Patriots gear with a press badge hanging from a lanyard around his neck.
They've been found out. This whole "Do Your Job" thing has just been a long con the whole time. A scheme Kraft Productions cooked up years ago in order to get tape of Zac Taylor's unfathomably complex and effective schemes in 2019. All those segments they've done on athletic trainers and equipment managers were just to help sell the ruse. What they were really after was the invaluable shots of the Bengals signals as they were getting crushed by the slightly less gawdawful Browns.
"But Jerry," you're no doubt saying, "What's the point of putting a camera guy in the press box when they could just send someone to sit in the stands? And wasn't the game on TV anyway?" That's just what Bill Evilchick would like you to think. As we speak he's probably got Ernie Adams using the lighthouse at Gillette to reposition spy satellites so they can get an All-22 from space of the next Bills game. So don't give me this "There's no useful purpose to hand held camera video from the press box" malarkey, because I'm not buying it.
If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. Guilty as charged. Take all the draft picks away and suspend Belicheat for life.