I Am Not A Woman
Last night there were alot of rumors swirling out there regarding everyones favorite guy who stands behind home plate at sporting events taking selfies- Marlins Man. The bright orange cassanova has always been somewhat of a playboy, so it was shocking for many folks to see that there appeared to be a Marlins WOMAN in attendence at game 2 at Wrigley seated directly behind him. Who was this buxum babe from Boca Raton that appeared to be sliding in on Americas number 1 superfan sports heartthrob?
#MarlinsWoman making her move pic.twitter.com/gGryUcvxPM
— Will Harris (@willdh) October 17, 2016
Naturally the entire planet sprung into fits of jealousy. Marlins Mans a wild stallion thats not meant to be tamed. But folks, I am here to set the record straight- that Marlins Woman was actually me, PFT Commenter, and I am not a women. I am a guy. Marlins Man invited us to sit with him and it was a real treat to watch Clayton Kershaw throw tiny pieces of God across the black part of home plate for 3 hours. But most importantly, I am a man.
Besides the long hair, emotional immaturty (no offense), and a obsession with using various types of lotions for weird things, I have basically nothing in common with women, which is why they would probably love me if they signed up for my dating app- its like Tinder for people who dont care about articles about Michael Sam. You should check it out.
I’m not a woman. I’m a guys guy. Sometimes, I’m even a guys guys guy. But most importantly- I am a guy. I didn’t ask to be seen on national TV behind home plate wearing a bright orange visor and shirt. And I specially didnt ask to be misgendered in the year of our lord 2016. But in todays social media era, people are freer then ever to display there own ignorance, and before you knew it #MarlinsWoman began to trend and I became mad online.
This was pretty embarassing and I wanted it to go away asap. The very first thing you have to do whnever a small group of people becomes aware of the thing you want to go away is to increase awareness of it so that a much much larger group of people understand that they should be extra vigilant when it comes to not tweeting about it.
This kind of backfired as it jumped to like the number 10 trending topic in USA. So I guess Ive learned my lesson here and thats not to take a small embarassing issue that only a couple dozen people know about and blow it up into a much bigger one just because I’m being a baby.
PS I DONT HAVE MAN BOOBS. There are a few people out there who said I have man boobs so everyone else PLEASE KNOW THAT I DONT HAVE MAN BOOBS. Its a thing that I dont have so if you ever get the urge to say that I have man boobs, just remember this article and that I dont have them actually. Im the first to put there hand up and say yes, due to circumstances outside of my control & my handicap broken foot I have put on a couple pounds recently. But as far as the man boobs go that was simply a case of a bad visual for the following reasons.
1. The nips were poppin:
Most natural thing in the world for folks to see a little nip and associate it with a boob. We are as god made us.
2. I do bench press ever heard of it. Plus The high lettering on the “Humble” shirts realy frames the girls.
3. Its breast cancer awareness month so sorry for bringing a major health epidemic out into the public eye? I guess when you say save the ta-tas your only saying it for women and not men, not that I have ta-tas. Seems extremely sexist on your part.