An Open Letter: I'm Sorry For Trying To Dick Down A Pumpkin



Yesterday I made a grave mistake. Yesterday I insinuated that a pumpkin was, as I so tastelessly described it, trying to get the pipe. I realize now that this was a mistake. I did not realize this on my own but rather with the help of some pointed advice from some extremely wise folks.

I apologize for insinuating that I would fuck a pumpkin. *Extremely Barack Obama voice* let me be clear,

I have never and will never stick my privates around or near a pumpkin. I encourage you all to do the same. Ladies, don’t scissor pumpkins either. That’s equally as offensive. In fact, I would charge you to stay away from pumpkins this fall season altogether.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Chaps, what if a pumpkin is lookin like a tall glass of water in its Bumble profile and contacts me first?” Too risky. These are trying times. “Trying times indeed, Chaps! Very frustrating!” I know. I know. We will get through this. We will overcome.

Again, I apologize to all gourds, not just pumpkins. I apologize to the Snake gourd, club gourd, long tomato, chichinda,Tindoori, tindola, tindori, ivy gourd, small gourd, scarlet gourd, Fuzzy/hairy melon, hairy cucumber (squash, melon, or gourd), wax gourd, winter gourd (melon), ash gourd, ash pumpkin, white gourd, Chinese squash, Chinese preserving melon, Buddha’s hand gourd, mo gwa/dung gua (and other Chinese variations), petha (Indian), kundol (Philippines) and many many more. As a preemptive strike, I would like to apologize to varietals that I may have unintentionally omitted.

Lastly, if anyone knows this specific gourd, tell it to call me and also Sup.