Count Me All The Way In On Roller Skate-Guards
This is how I know I’ve got a basic ass brain. It’s such a simple idea. One that I myself should have thought of at least 5 or 6 times already. But because my brain is so stupid and I waited too long, now somebody else is going to get rich as shit for turning skate guards into rollerblades. It is devastating.
However, I’m a firm believer in the phrase “don’t hate the player, hate the game”. I’m mad at myself for not coming up with this idea first, not the jabroni who is eventually going to be a billionaire. In fact, I couldn’t be happier that this man (or woman, it’s 2017) exists. It’s about damn time the skate guard game got an overhaul. The cloth guards are way too light which makes them easy to forget about. That’s how you end up looking like a real jabroni stepping out onto the ice with your guards still on. The hard rubber ones are tricky to pull off if you’re somebody like me who was extremely average at my very peak. It’s like what the hell does this kid care about his edges so much for if he sucks at using them? My whole career I’ve been a sock-over-the-blade kind of guy. Think it exemplifies mediocrity. Think it demonstrates “nice guy, tries hard, loves the game, just isn’t really good at it”. Which is what I strive for, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking for a shake up.
Which is why these roller skate guards are a perfect change of pace. Imagine rolling up to the rink with these bad boys on? You could be a nerd who shows up to the game already half dressed and people wouldn’t even be able to make fun of you because you’d be stuntin’ on everybody with your blades. It’s wins all around.
P.S. – If these things have been around for a few years and I’m just learning about them now, it’s because the only time I’m at an ice rink these days is 10pm for beer league so all the kids who would have these are already long gone.
P.P.S. – I want to say this was back sometime between 2000 and 2002. Was at the rink for a game, guess I was playing squirts at the time. After our game, there was a public skate on one of the rinks (building had 4). Anyway, I walk outside to leave and see some dude out in the parking lot wearing rental skates just walking around talking on his cell phone without guards on. Dude was just fucking these blades up with each step on the sidewalk. So I immediately ran back inside because I had to see this dude step on the ice once he was done on the phone. Obviously the first stride he took he busted his ass and this has stuck with me for so long because I’ll never know if he did it all on purpose or not. I just can’t bring myself to believe that somebody could possibly be that dumb. Was this intended to be some sort of a prank? Or did this guy really just not understand what happens when you put a skate blade down on concrete? I’ll never know. But if you’re that guy who was crunching around on rental skates in the Ice Works parking lot back between 2000 and 2002, just know that I think about you at least once or twice a year.