Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – The “Hull vs Swansea – Who Sucks Less?” Edition
Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters,
By the time most of you read this, it will be too late. The bad guys will (very likely) have already won. The good guys took their best shot but the proton torpedos missed, the Death Star is still standing, and the powers of darkness will reign supreme for the next 12 months.
“But wait, Chelsea still have to beat West Brom!”
This is true, and believe you me I’ll be rooting my tiny little balls off for Tony Pulis and his merry band of “scoreless draw” bandits this afternoon. But I’ve been around the block waaaaaaaaaay too many times to ever again put any faith in this guy
Big games coming up this weekend though, both for the four clubs contending for two remaining Champions League slots as well as the three clubs fighting to avoid the one remaining relegation slot. And while the German and Italian league titles were more or less decided in, well, mid-September, the battle of the big swinging dicks in La Liga looks like it will come right down to the wire.
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So let’s get to it…
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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Reminder of the results from last weekend:
News, notes and observations:
– Shouts to West Ham. Last weekend’s win confirms the Hammers are on track to not suck nearly much next season.
– Two critical wins for Arsenal in four days give the Gooners jussssssssssssssssssst enough of a chance to qualify for Champions League got the #WengerIn crew feeling like:
– Youge, YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE win for Swansea, which leapfrogged Hull out of the cellar thanks to the Tigers embarrassing home loss to woeful Dunderland. Big congrats to Soccer Fan Dan.
– Speaking of Dunderland, it’s been a rough, rough season for los Gatos Negros. Six wins in 35 games is – how you say – godawful. And yet they basically have found themselves as whatever the opposite of a kingmaker is, as they played Hull last week (and took all three points) and play Swansea this weekend.
– Crystal Palace’s resurgence under Big Sam has suddenly fallen flat and three straight losses (including last weekend’s embarrassment) has dragged the Iggles into the thick of the relegation battle. No bueno.
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As it stands, every club has either two or three games left and this how things stand:
And this weekend’s schedule:
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PICKS OF THE (PENULTIMATE) WEEKEND
Palace [+105]
Hull [+255]
Draw [+250]
What’s on the line: Hull is staring down the barrel of the relegation gun and could officially punch its ticket to the Championship if Swansea wins on Saturday and the Tigers lose on Sunday. On the flipside, if Swans lose to Dunderland and Hull beats Palace then the Tigers head into the last game of the season in the catbird’s seat.
Both teams are missing key players and Hull is nothing if not unpredictable, but this strikes me as the quintessential “Big Sam finds a way” game, in large part because – while neither team can play defense for ish – Palace just plain has way, WAY more dynamic players going forward. Plus, after essentially taking last weekend off they should be extra rested heading into this make-or-break home game. Palace to win 2-1.
CUE THE SHITTY ELECTRONICA!
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Tottenham [-145]
United [+395]
Draw [+275]
United has their eye on one thing and one thing only at this point: winning the NIT tournament since, especially after losing to Arsenal last weekend, that is Jozay’s only route to next season’s Champions League. Tottenham is coming off one of their most disappointing performances in ages but will have had 9 days of rest, and while Danny Rose is still somehow not ready to go United just hasn’t worked out enough of their offensive issues to trouble Spurs’ three-back set. Tottenham to win 2-0.
If only the game were at Old Trafford!
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Other picks:
• CHAMPIONSHIP TUSSLE: West Brom [+385] will have to play the best game of their season to keep Chelsea [-280] from being confirmed champs today. Could they park the bus and fight out a scoreless draw? Sure, maybe, but that would have been a lot more likely a few months ago before the team essentially went into hibernation mode. At this point – as much as I’ll personally be rooting for it – I just don’t see it. In fact, if they concede an early goal it wouldn’t shock me if they fold harder than a James Harden-led team. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt though and say they man the ramparts gallantly… for a while. Eventually, however, the forces of evil will prevail,. They always do. Chelsea to win 1-0.
• TOP 4 BATTLE #1: City [-290] controls its own destiny and while EPLeicester [+1000] doesn’t have much anything to play for but strike me as a much tougher matchup than bookies seem to think. David Silva’s health will be important, assuming he and Jesus are available they will probably have jusssssssst enough, though I still think the Foxes put up a serious fight. City to win 2-1.
• TOP 4 BATTLE #2: Liverpool [-290] also control their fate but is limping to the finish given all its injury problems. West Ham [+400] is officially safe from relegation but you better believe Slaven Bilic is going to be on their asses to finish the season strong in hopes of hanging onto his job. Draw [+300] looks MIGHTY interesting… but every time I shake my crystal ball it keeps saying “Daniel Studge” – I don’t know what that means but I’m gonna assume its good for the Reds. Liverpool to win 1-0.
• TOP 4 BATTLE #3: Arsenal [-145] has had a good week but a byproduct of that is they will already have played two games when they visit Stoke [+370] on Saturday. I don’t have a lot of faith in companies with little to play for but tired legs could be an issue for the Gooners. Gimme a 1-1 draw.
• RELEGATION SCRAP #2: Swansea [-110] visit Dunderland [+300] which poses a real conundrum for my “never bet on bad teams coming off unexpected wins” axiom… since neither team is very good and both are fresh off surprising victories. In fact, that suggests draw [+255] might be the way to go… but – and perhaps it’s just my bias of hoping Big Cat’s boys stay up bubbling to the surface – this seems like a game where Moyes boys roll over and play dead. Swans to win 2-0.
• USELESS FRIDAY AFTERNOON GAME: Everton [-250] got next to nothing to play for but nevertheless welcome Watford [+600], which could still mathematically get relegated but for all intents and purposes is safe. Sam’s Lock Of The Weekend: listlessness, and lots of it… but I’ll go with Everton to win 3-2.
• Hidden bonus game: bit premature to make a prediction for Monday’s game where Chelsea [-500] will host Watford [+1300] since Friday’s result will dictate what is on the line for the Blues……. so you’ll have to get at me on the twits after today’s game if you want a prediction.
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MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER
Big, big Sunday coming up a little closer to home with the highlight being Arsenal’s manager-elect Patrick Viera and NYCFC visiting the league’s hottest team in Denver in the nightcap. Well worth your time to catch it.
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REST OF THE WORLD
Spain: Barcelona and Real Madrid both keep winning so they are still even on points (though the latter has a game in hand). All games involving either are can’t-miss but unfortunately they play in parallel on Sunday and only Barça visiting Las Palmas (1:00pm CT on beIN) will be televised – strange decision though if you ask me since Real welcoming Sevilla seems like a much better game.
Italy: Roma versus Juve on Sunday (though unfortunately only available on tape-delay at 4pm CT on beIN).
Germany: Champions Bayern are taking a break from their months-long victory lap to visit RB Leipzig on Sunday (8:30am on FOX).
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So there you have it. Smattering of EPL games next week to make up for previous postponements so I’ll be back with some money-losing picks for ya. You’re welcome.
Holler,
Samuel Army