Brady Takes the Dreaded High Road with Goodell at the MVP Trophy Presentation

Roger Goodell calls up Tom Brady to receive his MVP trophy. pic.twitter.com/BPS0ISLUhR

— Mike Reiss (@MikeReiss) February 6, 2017

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HOUSTON — Those hoping NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would finally receive his comeuppance from Tom Brady at the Super Bowl LI MVP presentation were disappointed this morning. …

After a somewhat awkward presentation — in which Goodell told Brady, “Tom, come on up; get your trophy — Brady deftly sidestepped a question in which he was asked whether this presentation would help heal the division he’d experienced with the commissioner.

“It’s an honor to be here and have the commissioner present us with this trophy,” Brady said. “It certainly means a lot. My kids will be happy to see that trophy. …”

Overall, the press conference itself did not have much drama to it. Many were eyeing the moment Goodell handed the MVP to Brady as a chance for Brady to finally get his due for everything that went down. However, no such fireworks erupted.

Dammit. Damn it all to hell. Just at the time I needed Brady to go after Goodell with great anger and furious vengeance, he has to go all The Four Agreements on our asses.

The one huge drawback to being a Tom Brady acolyte is that you have to live without the pure lustful, venomous hatred you need to truly be happy. It’s that moment where you have to accept that your deity is a New Testament God, all about forgiveness and love, where you want him to be Old Testament God, all about divine retribution, pain and suffering. Where you realize the Church of Brady is basically a pacifist sect. More Quaker or Seventh Day Adventist, when you’re in the mood to go full ISIS.

So just as an exercise, and to give me some small comfort, since I’m being denied what is rightfully mine, let me say what Brady really meant between the lines of that stuff about it being an honor and his kids wanting to see the trophy.

“Thanks to the voters, the league and of course to my family. This is truly and honor, one I accept on behalf of all my teammates, coaches and the Kraft family. It truly is a team effort. And to the commissioner, I’d like to demand that you go fuck yourself. Literally. Right here in front of everyone. Fuck. Yourself. Fuck you and all you stand for. You greedy, lying, disingenuous, thieving little scrotum. Looking you in the face is like staring into Satan’s asshole and your birth was retribution for the sins of mankind. I swear by all that is holy and on the souls of everyone I love, I will continue to work every minute of every day just to keep coming back here year after year and fill these fingers with championship rings until I physically can’t go any more, just to make your life miserable. Then I’m going to reach these hands into your chest, pull out that tiny, black heart of yours and eat it while you watch. Now go enable some more wife beaters, you evil, incompetent bucket of guts.”

But nevertheless, I really do hope his kids enjoy the newest trophy.