Barstool’s Halloween Weekend Soccer Guide – Jose BOO-rinho Edition

Sam’s Halloween Weekend Soccer Guide – Jose BOO-rinho Edition

Dearest haters,

As someone who recommended you watch last weekend’s Manchester Dærby, I would like to extend a heartfelt apology unto anyone who took my advice for completely and utterly wasting that two hour segment of your life. That was one of the worst displays of soccer by allegedly world class players that I have seen in a long, long time.

Sincerely,
Sam

You may not believe it, but it really wasn’t that long ago that games involving the likes of United and City or Liverpool and Everton were all but guaranteed to be extremely engaging affairs – win, lose or draw. However, the last couple seasons have been comparatively awful. Perhaps that’s one of the unspoken dark truths about the impact that globalization is having on local rivalries, a by-product of players growing increasingly dissociated from the enmities of their adoring fans. Or perhaps big injuries, poor play and bad fortune have conspired to produce a few shitty dærbies in a row?

Oh well, nowhere to go but up. Now on to this weekend’s action…

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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

A quick reminder of what happened last time out in addition to the 0-0 schmershmortion in Manchester…

A smattering of news, notes and observations…

– The fact that oddsmakers actually favoured Chelsea to win at West Ham coming off a midweek Champions League game still boggles my mind. Then they went and compounded it by favoring Chelsea to beat Stoke in the League Cup during the midweek. I believe those are what we in the biz call “market dislocations” and here’s hoping you got rich off of them.

– Lester pulled out yet another tough win, though overall a pretty disappointing performance from Palace, who likely deserved at least a point. Jamie Vardy has inevitably been linked to Real Madrid, because that’s what happens when you score a couple goals these days.

– Tony Pulis is your buddy who you make fun of at the bar all night for hitting on slightly chunky 4s, but while you are making sweet sweet love to a horse-meat burrito at the end of the night he’s always getting his rocks off. Gets the job done no matter how ugly – that’s just what TP does. (The job in this case being to avoid relegation.)

– Everton gave it a good go at the Emirates, and had several golden chances to equalize in the second half, but all things considered Arsenal were the better side. Also, it has to be said that Tim Howard was rather poor on both goals the Toffees conceded. No need for knee-jerk reactions at this point but given Timmy and Brad Guzan’s form of late, Jurgen Klinsmann would be well-advised to at least consider taking a look at guys like Bill Hamid and Cody Cropper during the upcoming hexagonal (or bring them into camp at the very least).

– Liverpool has drawn five straight games. The “Sunderland Syndrome” virus apparently gets on well in the dark, moist, grey environs of Lancashire.

– HAT-TRICK HARRY IS BACK, Y’ALL! (Never mind that it was against wee-and-injury-battered Bournemouth.)

So after nine games that leaves the table looking like this, which makes for an interesting side-by-side comparison with how the table looked after 10 games last season:

– After 10 games last season Chelsea was on 26 points. After 10 games this season they are on 11 points. What a difference a year (and a hell of a lot of AWFUL defending) makes.

– Two of the three clubs that ended up getting relegated were already in the drop zone at this point in the season last year, which is a bad sign for the three EPL stalwarts (Sunderland, Newcastle and Aston Villa) that occupy those positions at the moment. Also interesting to note all three newly promoted clubs are presently outside the relegation zone – albeit just barely with Bournemouth and Norwich.

– After 10 games last season Liverpool was on 14 points. After 10 games this season they are on 14 points – but with a lot more hugging!

– West Ham is starting to make a habit of fast starts. Unfortunately that’s a lot like being able to jump in the cockpit of a plane and executing a flawless take-off… congrats and everything, unfortunately that whole “landing thing” is kinda important. Might wanna work on that part one of these seasons.

As for the games coming up this weekend, we are looking at…

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PICKS OF THE WEEK

Last week’s disappointing slate of games was (unfortunately) matched step for step by my equally disappointing slate of picks. Funny how that works sometimes. The silver lining though (aside from the fact I’ve been bankrupting my bookie thanks to the midweek Champions League and League Cup games) is that now I’m officially due for a big week – IT’S SCIENCE!

Chelsea (+110)
Liverpool (+270)
Draw (+240)

Can somebody please tell the EPL’s schedule maker to pretty please fuck off and die with these “biggest game of the weekend” being played at 7:45am CT on Saturday morning? Tysm.

The quality on display tomorrow morning will likely pale in comparison to the importance of the result (for one club in particular). There is talk that this is a win-or-go-home – literally, as in pack up your stuff and leave because you’re fired – game for Jose Mourinho. Whether that is in fact true or not is speculative, but looking at Chelsea’s recent run of form you can certainly see why it’s a possibility:

As for Liverpool, the Reds managed to snake out a 1-0 win over wee Bournemouth in the League Cup on Wednesday, which relieved a lot of pressure on their manager… not that he was really under fire though as Klopp is basically playing with house money at the moment since he can redirect any blame for bad results towards Brendan Rodgers’ poor transfer market decisions. Liverpool’s real and present problem is that they can’t score to save their lives.

“Hey Jurgy baby, how many goals has Liverpool scored in 10 games so far this season?”

“Nailed it.”

Thus, this game represents the ultimate match-up between Very Stoppable Force (Liverpool) and Easily Movable Object (Chelsea), which has conceded 19 goals and has proven time and again that it pretty much can’t stop anybody at the moment.

So who wins? Unfortunately injuries are presently ravaging both teams, but my hunch is that this one is going to come down to Chelsea’s secret weapon: Branislav Ivanovic… who is out with an “injury”, which ought to instantaneously improve the Blue’s back line. Chelsea to win 2-0.

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Crystal Palace (+275)
United (+100)
Draw (+240)

United looked borderline disgusting at home last weekend against an undermanned City side. Wayne Rooney is currently the unanimous favorite for the EPL’s “fastest declining skills” award, and the fact John Terry can’t even get a sniff at the hardware says all that needs saying about the precipitousness of Rooney’s dip in form. The loss to Middlesbrough can be written off a bit due to a lot of B squad players, but I suspect Crystal Palace – glad to be back home at last – is going to be too much for the Red Devils. The Eagles have hit a rough patch offensively but that shouldn’t be anything a little Phil Jones can’t rectify. Palace to win 2-1.

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Other games: Swansea hosting Arsenal is a tough nut to crack since both clubs have been very hit and miss lately. I’m particularly befuddled by the midweek ass whupping the Gnuners took at Sheffield Wednesday, then there are injuries to Walcott and Oxlade-Chamberlain to keep in mind. I’m going 1-1 draw. Despite managing not to lose most games, Tottenham has had a tough time actually winning them. The breakout against Bournemouth last week was nice, and getting a rudderless Aston Villa at home will be even nicer. Spurs to win 4-1.

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BUNDESLIGA

Another rather tame slate of games on deck this weekend in Germany, with the second biggest game coming on Friday when Bayern put its unblemished record on the line at Eintracht.

BVB traveling to Werder could also be a good match up but the game of the weekend is my newly beloved Wolfy hosting Bayer on Saturday (12:30pm CT on FS2).

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BEST OF THE REST

LA LIGA: Sevilla traveling to Villareal on Saturday (12:15pm CT) is where it is at in Spain this weekend.

SERIE A: Can’t beat Inter versus Roma, also on Saturday (2:45pm CT).

MLS: PLAYOFFS! Anybody who didn’t catch the midweek games missed out. In fact, really makes you wish MLS went with a one-and-done format rather than the wannabe-Champions-League home-and-home structure in place right now. Ah well, should be great games, especially the DC/NYRB and Cascadia match-ups.

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So there you have it: the best weekly soccer preview that Barstool will ever publish today. Check ya next week.

Follow @BarstoolSam

Holler,
Sam U.L. Army