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Boston.com Love Letters - Confusion after a ménage à trois

Reader Email

The Question

Dear Meredith,

About eight months ago, during a slump in our 23-year marriage, my husband and I partook in a ménage à trois. Not one to be prudish, I will admit to it being a fun, once-in-a-lifetime experience. This woman was a stranger to us both, which made it more comfortable for me. It definitely brought us closer together and at least temporarily, fixed a dry spell in our relationship.
My husband recently admitted that he has been in touch with this woman, and would like to “party” again with her. I feel like I opened Pandora’s box. While it was something I enjoyed, I didn’t expect it to become a repetitive thing. I did explain this to my husband and he said he understood, but he will still, occasionally, bring it up. I know he would never cheat and that’s not a concern, but I also feel like I am now depriving him a bit. So I guess my question is, is this something he will eventually get over?

– Lingering in Lexington
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Meredith Hoss Goldstein’s Answer

It sounds like your husband is bringing it up because he’s not sure about the rules. You say, “without a doubt, I’d rather this not become a more regular thing.” But what does that mean? Will it become an irregular thing? If so, how often? Was it really a once-in-a-lifetime experience?  Sit down with your husband and come up with a set of guidelines for your experimentation. Make rules about who’s allowed to reach out to this woman and when. Talk about when, if ever, you might be open to this experience again.

Readers? What are the rules here?

– Meredith

 

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a Boston.com Love Letter but I felt like this one needed the old El Pres touch. Can’t just have Hoss Goldstein leaving this chick dangling in the wind with poor advice.

 

El Pres Answer

Dear Lingering in Lexington,

Let’s clear 1 thing up right away. It doesn’t matter what you want. Oh you think you opened Pandora’s box? Gee ya think? Let me tell you a little something about life. Once a guy sticks his penis in a girl he has carte blanch to continue to stick his penis in her until she doesn’t let him anymore. That’s the only reason guys stop fucking girls they’ve already fucked. Because the girl isn’t interested anymore. It doesn’t matter if it was a threesome, or whether you said it was a one time deal.  Once there is penetration that girl essentially becomes your property. So of course your husband is still talking to her. Of course he is still fucking her. You’re only move now is to keep having threesomes and hope you can out fuck this new chick.