The 2-6 Jets Are Trying to Salvage Their Season by Bringing Out the Big Guns: Hannah Palmer
Stop me if you've heard this before - actually stop me if you've heard me start a blog with these exact words - the New York Jets are having a rough season. They're losing in ways that even their big offseason acquisition Minkah Fitzpatrick can't help but express his existential despair. After just eight games with the Jets, and they're getting the stench of death all over his nice 5X Pro Bowl/ 3X All Pro career. And he's no doubt sensing he'll won't get that smell off him with an ocean of tomato juice baths.
They're 20th in offense and 22nd in defense, which isn't terrible, all things considered. That should be good for a record somewhere in the vicinity of .500. But no dice. For about the 20th time since Bill Parcells left in 1999, they're the pluperfect definition of a team that figures out a way to lose. As the man says, "Jets being Jets."
So to that end, it appears the organization has been looking for a way to partner up with a born winner. Someone blessed by the gods with all the natural ability a franchise could dream of possessing. To repeat my lazy, obvious,sophomoric pun from the headline, they're breaking out the big guns, Hannah C. Palmer:
JC Olivera. Getty Images.Fox - What happens when the New York Jets bring in one of the world's most beautiful Instagram models, Hannah C. Palmer, to attend a game and get the boys charged up? Nothing. The Jets lost, again, Sunday, to the Raiders after Kirk Cousins torched them with three touchdown passes.
Hannah had full access to MetLife to see the team get ready for its game. She was in the locker room trying to influence this team to play defense, play inspired ball. It was futile.
Look, yes, it didn't work. The Jets hosted a 3-4 team led by Kirk Cousins and made them look like the 2007 Patriots. Clearly having Hannah kicking around in the locker room, looking gorgeous on the sideline, and watching from a suite didn't help them any more than adding Fitzpatrick did. But it was a valiant effort.
And it made sense on a certain level. They were simply following the formula Sasha Baron Cohen did when he was rebounding, as Devlin wrote about last year:
Advertisement
But what can you do? Hannah C. Palmer is a spectacularly desirable woman with an attractive face and supernatural figure.
Advertisement
The kind of woman who could even help you get over losing Isla Fisher. But she's not a miracle worker. Asking her glowing, luminous presence to give the Jets a competitive edge against even a below average team like Las Vegas is to ask the impossible. Parcells, Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez, Sam Darnold and Aaron Rodgers couldn't save them, how can you expect Hannah to make a difference?
My biggest concern is that the opposite will happen. That there'll be a reverse effect where the Jets will rub off on poor, well-intentioned Hannah C. Palmer, and she'll morph into a like an East Rutherford 6 before our eyes. Let's hope I'm wrong. But when you get to your only Super Bowl before men walked on the moon, and humanity will get back there before you make it to another one? You're capable of ruining even the best of us.
Thoughts and prayers, Hannah. Now please stay away from Met Life, for all our sakes.