The Biggest Upset of the Playoffs So Far is the Fact Jerry Jones Hasn't Already Hired Bill Belichick

Boston Globe. Getty Images.

Let me begin by acknowledging that this is far from the most novel or original thought ever brought up. In fact, it's pretty much everywhere:

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It was pretty much impossible watch Dallas fall behind by four touchdowns in Jerry Jones' $2 billion monument to wretched excess and NOT default to the idea that the Machiavellian old weirdo would have Bill Belichick on a private jet bound for Arlington by halftime. There's only so much humiliation even a Lizard Person like Jerruh can take before he's had enough. And he had to have reached his limit last night:

Coaches with 300 career wins don't hit the job market very often. And by that I mean, never before in human history. And since no one else will ever reach 300 (the league is too stacked against that kind of sustained success), it'll never happen again. This is the pluperfect definition of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Jones. One he's not about to miss. 

The question therefore is whether Belichick would take the gig. Not only is Jones not the easiest guy to work for, if you look at his list of coaching hires since Jimmy Johnson told him to go shit in his hat in 1994, it's been a Murderer's Row of Guys Who Had No Other Options. Switzers and Campos. Gaileys and Garretts. You maybe could make a case for Bill Parcells. But it always felt to me like Tuna's stint in Dallas was him just making one last score so he'd have more money to wager at Gulfstream Park during his golden years. At that point, Parcells didn't mind working for a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur he's the smartest GM in the league. Because he was semi-retired on the job and just kind of mailing it in. 

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Belichick might very well be in that same stage of his career. Not willing to halfass it necessarily. He's a guy who's never demonstrated he has a second gear beyond All Engines Full. But he's also about to turn 72. Which makes it highly doubtful he's interested in taking over a tear down project. One of the downtrodden franchises he's been linked to like Atlanta or Carolina. Major DIY reno projects are for the young. Guys who don't mind spending all weekend pricing out 4x8 sheets of drywall and swinging a sledgehammer. 

A 72 year old legend deserves a turnkey project. A ready made, fully furnished smarthome with all the latest amenities and anything else I can throw into this metaphor before I finally beat it into the ground. 

That's what the Cowboys represent. First in the league in points scored. Fifth in the league in points allowed. Pro Bowlers at quarterback, wide receiver, linebacker and cornerback. And tell me this wouldn't make it so this particular retirement age gentleman would never need to ask his doctor about solutions for ED: The Cowboys have Pro Bowlers at punter AND placekicker. And without those positions to fill, I'm sure Jones would placate him by letting him use a 5th rounder on some long snapper who played rugby at one of the military academies. 

As hard as it is to imagine either Jones or Belichick ceding control of the draft War Room to the other, it's not impossible to picture them compromising. Jones is convinced of his own brilliance to be sure. But he's running out of time as well, and therefore desperate. And Belichick as much as admitted he was willing to give up final say in New England. Letting someone else make those calls on an already stacked team is a hell of a better option than trying to rebuild the Panthers - whose offense was only marginally better than the team he just got fired from - without a 1st round pick. 

Taking the Dallas job would give Belichick two things he needs more than anything at this stage of his life. A chance to compete right away. And a near guarantee he'll break Don Shula's record in 2025. For the Cowboys, it'll mean an end to embarrassments like yesterday's. As Devin McCourty put it, “If Bill Belichick is the guy that comes in there, this team will never show up for a playoff game like that. That's one thing I promise you.” 

Jones will have to abide by the Rooney Rule and interview other candidates. But the only man for the job should have it. Not within weeks or even days, but within the next few hours. Belichick to Dallas. And his ninth ring soon thereafter. Book it.