Disney World Is In An Absolute Battle Because People Are Shitting On The Floor While They Wait For Rides With Long Lines
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Twice in the last month, posters on the Disney World subreddit commented in fury and horror about the cursed things they said they’d seen while waiting in line. “I am in the queue for [Rise of the Resistance] - someone let their kid take a dump on the floor and then they just walked out and left it- WTF?” one wrote recently.
“Bodily fluids no longer bother me after working at Disney,” they wrote. “Let's just say that the attraction I work at has what the cast ended up dubbing 'the poop hall' because of the amount of times guests have gone in there and pooped. We even put up a camera and it didn't stop it.”
I've taken my family to Disney World several times (flex on not being poor) and I've never seen anything like this. Now, my friends, if you've been following me for any period of time, you know that I've had my share of diarrhea. In fact, many have said that I've had diarrhea since Easter of 2007. The allure of dropping trow and then dropping a sample on the sidewalk is as strong as the Brotherly Shove but we cannot abide this behavior in a couth society.
"Hey, Chaps. What should I do if I have a toddler and we can't get to the bathroom fast enough? Should I let my child dump in their pants if we are almost to the front of the line?"
Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you absolutely cannot shit, causally walk away, and then ride the Pirates of the Caribbean. Can't do it.
"But what if he really has to go?"
Now listen closely. or read closely I guess.
You gotta think ahead when you go to Disney. Now that we know that people are really paying attention to what is happening regarding the poop hit-and-run, you have to think outside of the box or toilet in this case.
Here's my suggestion. Remember the fanny pack? I do. A delightful piece of fashion. What I would do is go to Walmart or Amazon before you head to Disney. I'd toss that bitch on my waist and head to the park.
The fanny pack wouldn't be filled with normal things like my wallet, keys, sunscreen (safety is paramount), Capri Suns, granola bars, or goldfish. Nope. I'd fill that fucker with kitty litter. At this point in my child's life, they are 3 so I know the "I gotta shit" face. They scrunch up their noses and you can see the little veins start to bulge. They don't wanna leave the line either. They can feel the wind of Dumbo woosh past their little face.
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I would ask the other people with me to essentially form a flying V of privacy.
Next thing, I instruct my child to take their growler INSIDE the fanny pack. They could make in there and then you take the fanny pack and shake it around like you would with a to-go salad that you are trying to evenly cover in ranch. But it's not ranch. It's poop with litter in there. I'd say you could probably fit two to three dumbs in there before you have to change the litter.
When you get back to the Polynesian, you empty that bitch out into the potty, wash it, dry it with the blow dryer, and then replace the litter for the next day or Disney goofin.
Problem solved.
Good work, everybody.