WELCOME TO THE SMOKE SHOW
Before you keep reading I want all of you to know that I am a terrible writer. If it wasn’t for websites that let me pay people to write my essays I would have never graduated college. So expect grammar mistakes, and a 3rd grade vocabulary.
For those of you that don’t know who I am, I’m the lucky prick who won a bet with Dave to get my dream job. As easy as it sounds there was a lot more that went into it:
January 2020:
The year is 2020 and COVID is on a fucking heater. No bars, no restaurants, no strip clubs, no nothing. So to cure my boredom I downloaded Tik Tok and stumbled across Gary Vee. If you’re in your 20’s and feel like a worthless loser with no purpose, you know who I’m talking about. If you’re older and established, Gary Vee is a guy who tells you everything you want to hear and occasionally offers some solid life advice. So Gary goes on and says if you want to work for a company follow everyone in the company and blow up their DM’s, so I did. After blowing up every employee at Barstool no one answered, but I did get something out of it.
Advertisement
Dave and his gremlins came down to Miami for the Super Bowl and wanted to honor the great Kobe Bryant in one of his pizza reviews. The only problem was, they didn’t have a Kobe jersey. So Dana Beers sent out a tweet asking if anyone in Miami had one they could borrow and I answered him so fast he thought I was fucking with him. After proving I wasn't a Twitter bot, he sent me the address and I drove down to Miami to bring them the jersey.
I was 20 years old and had been making content for 3 years with the sole purpose of getting hired by Barstool, so naturally I’m thinking this is my big break. Turns out my balls hadn’t dropped yet and I didn’t show Dave a single video, so I just sat in the back and talked to Spider and Dana.
Although I said nothing, I was still a part of history. If you haven’t connected the dots already, I was standing right behind the camera for the famous “Feed it to a crack addict” pizza review.
After that we went back to the hotel room and I found the strength to hand Dave my “business card” which he probably threw out once I turned around.
September 2022:
Two years go by and for some reason Dave still hasn’t called the number on the business card I gave him, so I decided it’s time to get a job. Just like every other miserable fuck in America, I hated my job and “wanted to do something I loved”. Unfortunately, the only thing I truly love is the Miami Dolphins, so I ran with it and my life changed forever. The Dolphins started the season 2-0 and just like the last 23 years of my life, I really thought this was our year. The Buffalo Bills came to town, and every single fucking year they fill up half our stadium and it enrages me. It’s not Bills Mafias fault, I have the upmost respect for them, but it still pisses me off. Their social team posted a video of 40 Bills fans on a plane flying in for the game. I'm glad they got here safely but also would’ve loved it if they had turbulence the entire flight here. That video haunted me, and I wanted revenge, so I told myself if we win this game, I’m telling everyone to enjoy their flight home.
And that’s when this happened…
Not my best video, definitely not one I’m proud of, but it did “put me on the map” (in the worse way possible).
The video went viral and led to Dave saying this:
Advertisement
I saw the tweet and knew I was fucked. Not only was I never working for Barstool, but my DM’s and mentions were cooked. Death threats, people praying that my house gets blown up, you name it I got it.
Rightfully so, I fucked up.
January 2023:
A couple months go by and my Twitter account starts gaining some serious traction. After almost choking the season away, the Dolphins made the playoffs and got matched up with the Bills. Once I saw that I KNEW I was going to Buffalo. Don’t get me wrong, I love getting fired up and screaming at the top of my lungs, but deep down I’m not a scumbag and playing the villain is something I don't enjoy. So I came up with an idea for the Chef that I verbally abused to throw me through a table as a form of an apology. Bills Mafia loved the idea and we kind of made it happen. The Chef couldn’t have been nicer and actually told me he thought the video was hilarious. Turns out he didn’t want to throw me through a table but instead wanted to take a picture together and that’s when I made it back on Dave’s good side.
That same day Dave followed and I was certain he was going to offer me a job, he didn’t.
May 2022:
The Miami Heat are playing the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals, and straight up, we were fucking them up and Dave could do anything except change his shirt.
Then the C’s start winning games, and Dave starts at chirping me on Twitter. At this point I’m rent free in his head. So we go back and fourth on Twitter and the Celtics end up winning game 6. What felt like the worst day of my life, was really a blessing. I woke up the next morning and had a DM from Dave asking if I wanted to bet Game 7.
Ab-so-fucking-lutely I want to bet game 7 with you David.
I’ll never forget what he said to me, “I know what I can offer you, but what could you possibly offer me” and that’s when I offered him a tattoo of a 3 leaf clover that would say “Dave was right”.
Advertisement
30 seconds after we made the bet I booked a flight to Boston, went to Game 7, watched my dreams become reality, and cried like a bitch.
Moral of the story, never give up, and win your bet with Dave.
Welcome to The Smoke Show