There was a time when one of the most true statements ever made was "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public." But it no longer can be said. If you need proof, just ask yourself when was the last time you heard from Deadspin?
Yet still, there is something about stupid ideas that attracts us. Like a dog drawn to eating his own vomit, we keep coming back to silly, ridiculous notions and gobble them up. The dumber the better. And when we can take two normal, mundane concepts and combine them into one giant Voltron of preposterousness? Well then so much the better.
Consider how Tom Brady bought a piece of the Las Vegas Raiders:
Followed a few days later by the story of Jimmy Garoppolo's surgery and possible injury settlement:
There's no way we can take these two marginally related stories and not connect those dots into an illogical syllogism:
Former quarterback Tom Brady is now with the Raiders.
The Raiders need a quarterback.
Therefore, Tom Brady is the Raiders next quarterback.
I could go on, but you get the point. It's a Hot Takez world. And as they go, this one is the temperature of the star cluster at the center of the Milky Way. And it's partly fueled by some betting sites listing Brady as the favorite to be under center in 2023 at 2-to-1.
But before we bask in the glow, let's not lose sight of the fact that it's core is a nuclear reaction of dumbassery. Beginning with the fact such a move would never get approved:
Las Vegas Review-Journal - [A] league source raised the possibility that Brady’s approval by fellow owners could come with the provision that he is fully retired. If so, that eliminates the possibility of him trying to simultaneously own a piece of the franchise while also playing for it.
If, for argument’s sake, the sale goes through without provisions and Brady opts at some point to come out of retirement to play again, doing so would require approval by the owners. That stipulation about playing applies to every owner, from Jerry Jones to Stan Kroenke.
Without approval, Brady would have to sell back his share of the Raiders before he could return to the field.
Even if he did get all the necessary approvals to be an owner and player, one league source indicated that “a ton of salary cap issues would come with that.”
To be clear, Brady wouldn't need the 24 votes it takes to own a small portion of the empire Al Davis built. He'd need unanimous approval. A 32-0 vote from the Billionaire's Club that can't agree Dan Snyder is a creep and Roger Goodell is the Spawn of Satan.
Second, the key part of this is that, in order to get around a vote of the owners, Brady would have to sell back his share of the Raiders. Even if you concede playing QB for the Raiders has been his dream job since Jon Gruden vetoed the idea back in 2020 and now he'd get to play for his boy Josh McDaniels again, how could it possibly be worth that? It would be the worst decision in the history of business. (And coming from a guy who invested in FTX, that's really saying something.) Convincing Mark Davis to sell him a piece of his family fortune had to have taken a Jedi Mind Trick. It's like being handed a winning PowerBall ticket that will set up his genetically perfect great-great-granchildren with generational wealth long after they've spent his football and TB12 Fitness fortune. And for what? So he can play again at age 46 and beat the Broncos?
Finally, what about Brady's actions since he made this definitive, not-at-all ambiguous announcement four months ago:
… gives you the impression he's having second thoughts? Was it 80 for Brady? Has it been his lack of workouts? The fact the only passes he's thrown were to Julian Edelman, Gronk, and his son while going Shirtless O'Clock on a beach?
His agreement to show up to Gillette Stadium for the Week 1 game against Philadelphia to let New England pay tribute to him at long last? Or maybe you saw the exhausted, frustrated, emotionally spent warrior who skulked off the field in defeat to the Cowboys in the playoffs, a game in which he couldn't put points on the board until he was down 24-0 at the end of the 3rd quarter. Because I looked into Brady's dreamy, sky blue eyes that night and saw a guy who knew he'd given it all he had, and it's over.
So let's kill this stupid idea in the nest right now, and move onto the next, even more senseless speculation. This idiocy was fun while it lasted, but Brady is re-re-retired. For good. And he's not un-unretiring this time. Now let the Brian Hoyer Era in Las Vegas begin!