Tips For The Purge

Here's another blog from the archive. I'm going to keep doing this until I run out. It's so much easier than having a fresh blog ready for Monday morning. I wrote this one early on in quarantine when I thought a purge was imminent. Unfortunately, we never purged. If we do end up purging some day, here are some tips that will help you survive.

Now that we have entered week 4 of quarantine, it is safe to assume that a purge is just around the corner. People are going crazy stuck in their homes, and it's only a matter of time. 

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If you are unfamiliar with purging, I would recommend watching the movie The Purge, before you continue reading. It can be found online.

If you do not have time to watch the 2013 Academy Award Winner for Best Picture, The Purge, here is a quick breakdown of what a purge is.

A purge typically lasts 24 hours. For those 24 hours, there are no laws. Stealing is legal. Murder is legal. Parking in handicap spaces is legal. Everything under the sun is legal. After those 24 hours are up, everything goes back to normal. Any crimes committed during those 24 hours are forgiven. It is important to have a plan in place if you want to survive the upcoming purge.

Here are some things you can do to make sure you get the most out of your purge. Survival is most important, but you also need to do some purging of your own - you deserve it! 

Get a Good Night's Sleep

This should go without saying, but make sure you get a good 12-16 hours of sleep leading up to the purge. It lasts 24 hours, and you're going to want to be awake for all of them.

Buy a Mask

Anybody who knows anything about purging will tell you that a wacky mask is the most important thing you can have. Purge's often devolve into a best mask competition. Your mask should be unique, it shouldn't make much sense, and it should cover your entire head in a way that makes seeing extremely difficult.

I wouldn't buy one of the masks they use in the movie. They're played out. Imagine showing up to your elderly neighbors house to purge with your friends, and your pal Jimmy is wearing the same mask. Embarrassing!

I would recommend going with Kermit The Frog

Purchase Life Insurance

Fingers crossed it doesn't come to this, but you very well might die. Make sure your loved ones are taken care of in your wake.

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Do Your Murdering the Night Before

Now this is a little risky, but the payoff will be worth it. As everyone knows, purges start and end at 12 Midnight. The hours leading up to the purge are eerily quiet. Everyone is safely huddled in their homes resting up for the big day. This is the perfect time strike. There is very little police presence the night before as well. A lot of officers will take off the night before the purge to make a long weekend out of it. 

Say you have your sights set on purging Tim & Carrie Jessup down the street. Pop over there with your Kermit The Frog mask around 10pm the night before. Tie them up, and cut their children into pieces while they watch. Blow Tim & Carrie's brains out afterwards. Nobody is expecting this. When the post purge cleanup crews come, they will assume the murder happened during purge hours, and you're in the clear. 

Dig a Moat

Moats are criminally underused nowadays. If someone walks up to your home and sees a moat, they will not try to swim across. Who knows what scary things could be in your moat. If you have access to a monster that swims, then definitely put him/her in your moat. If you don't know of any monsters, try filling your moat with acid. Scatter the severed remains of the Jessup family around the moat to let people know that your moat is not to be trifled with. Just make sure you have a functioning draw bridge so you don't trap yourself in your own home.

Heavy Artillery

Automatic weapons, grenades, trip wire, machine guns, turrets, C4, claymores, land mines, tanks, bazookas, etc. Anything you can get your hands on. The more weapons the better. If anybody makes it past your moat, you'll light them up like the 4th of July.

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White Collar Crime

People don't often consider white collar crime during a purge, which is a shame, because you can take advantage of people in a lot of different ways. Insider trading is a favorite of mine. Is your company about to announce that you've just been awarded an enormous government contract? If so, buy all of the stock. Give this information to as many people as you possibly can, and make sure you're cut in for 10% of everyone's earnings. While everyone else is busy killing each other, you can commit cybercrimes, blackmail your co-workers, start a Ponzi scheme, do racketeering, and move heavy amounts of drugs across state lines. You already got your fill of doing sick and twisted shit to the Jessup family on Purge's Eve anyways.

Sam Greenwood. Getty Images.

Take Pictures

The memories will last a lifetime, but it's nice to have pictures too! Instagram will be poppin' the day after the purge, and you're going to want to make a cute post. Document all the crazy shit you did with your friends and family. It might be annoying to stop for a picture at the time, but trust me, you'll be happy years from now when you can show your grandkids how much fun you had at the purge.