Father's Day Collection | All-New T-Shirts, Hats, Polos, Hoodies, Crewnecks Now AvailableSHOP NOW

Elizabeth Holmes' "Sexts" Got Read In Court Yesterday And They Are As Bad As I Imagined

First off, if you're not familiar with who Elizabeth Holmes is, I would highly recommend watching the documentary on her and Theranos because it is fascinating. For those of you that don't have time to watch a feature-length documentary, here is a summary:

Holmes is the daughter of a former Enron VP, and went to Stanford to study chemical engineering. She dropped out, and used her tuition money to start a company with one goal: To derive an insane amount of medical data from the smallest possible sample of blood. This company, Theranos, grew throughout the 2000s despite not having working technology yet. Holmes got a huge board of directors including a former Secretary of State, George Schultz, and got a partnership with Walgreens for her blood testing machines. In 2015, a Wall Street Journal writer published an article basically exposing Theranos for massive fraud, including using commercially available testing machines to fib results for their own, shitty machine. Over the next few years, Theranos came under constant legal fire which culminated in her being charged by the SEC, the State of Arizona, and later the US Attorneys Office. 

The weirder thing about Holmes is her public image & personal life. She is obsessed with Steve Jobs, and modeled her entire image after him. She dressed in the same black turtleneck and tried to replicate the same cult of personality. She was romantically involved with a man named Ramesh Balwani, a businessman who was also the president of Theranos. They had met when she was 18 and he was 37, and he divorced his wife to be with her. He later left Theranos after the investigations game to light. He is one half of the sexts you see above. The WEIRDEST thing about Holmes, though, is the absurdly fake deep voice she used.  

If you've been aware of how bizarre this human is, then you know that her intimate life had to be weird as hell. But these sexts? They're worse than I even imagined. You might read those and thing "Those aren't sexts!". But I promise you they are. The second Balwani read "meant to be only with you tiger" he shot a rope thick enough to dock a Norwegian cruise liner. I'm talking a .50 caliber bullet holes in this mans ceiling. That's just how UHNWI's operate, man! They can't get stimulated unless they're either getting their balls stomped on by hookers, beating up homeless people, or thinking about abstract ideas. 

Also, I love the "OK" at the end of this. That reeks of post-nut clarity