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World's Most Badass Paratrooper Plummets 15,000 Feet Into Someone's Kitchen With Barely a Scratch on Him

Source - A British soldier has cheated death after crashing into someone's roof and falling into their kitchen when his parachute failed to fully deploy during a training exercise in California. 

The parachutist jumped out of a plane from 15,000ft in a High Altitude Low Opening exercise known as Halo, which is used by the SAS and SBS for covert missions in hostile territory.

But the soldier started to spiral out of control when the parachute failed to fully deploy over the skies of Atascadero.

He deployed his reserve parachute but it was too late for him to be able to reach the designated drop zone and he continued his rapid descent towards the ground. ...

The soldier only received minor injuries from the crash landing and was taken to hospital for treatment. ...

Atascadero police said: 'The parachutist was conscious but stunned with complaints of pain but no visible serious injuries."

One of this paratrooper's fellow British soldiers, a fella by the name of Henry V, spoke to his troops in the moments before battle about all their countrymen who didn't take part in the fight would "hold their manhoods cheap" while any man who fought alongside him was speaking for the rest of their lives. I mention this because how could any man ever be in the presence of this soldier and ever feel good about your manhood again? 

I mean, what could you possibly have to brag about around this guy? You're hanging out at the pub. Maybe trying to impress people with your amazing feats. That fight you won. The accident you survived. Some great athletic feat. That big business deal you closed. No matter what you say to try and pump your tires, this guy will best you. He's holding the trump card of all trump cards.

Imagine trying to be a One-Upper in his mighty presence. You're seconds away from getting digits because you've told some rocket at the bar about your your CrossFit and Keto diet and all the volunteer work you do for animal rescue and he cuts in with, "Did I mention I fell 15,000 feet out of the sky through a building? Oh. Wanna hear about it?" You'll be looking at the back of a head the rest of the night until you slink away defeated. 

Consider this: 15,000 feet is just shy of three miles. You know who crashes through roofs at that altitude and lives? Lives without having to sip meals through a straw for the rest of their immobilized existence? Superheroes. Superman. Thor. Hulk. Captain America. The Thing. Captain Marvel. It's a short list. Walking away from this kind of incident and it typically alerts shadowy, quasi-government organizations to your presence so you get visited by a mysterious figure who's putting a team together. Unless this anonymous paratrooper is already part of such a team and this is just proof UK scientists have figured out a way to develop highly advanced super-soldiers. Which I hope is the case.

If not, if this is just a regular military man who defied astronomical odds and survived a nearly impossible fall, what of him? It's safe to say that was several minutes of unimaginable terror. What does he do, get right back up in that plane and try again? Expecting to walk away unscathed from another crash landing is a huge ask of fate. Gravity is, after all, the law. And he broke it once. The odds of him doing it again are virtually impossible. And if he were ask my advice, I'd tell him to quit while he's ahead and stick with infantry. Or better yet, a nice desk job. And enjoy the fruits of his incredible good fortune. Because, like they say, pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory is forever. 

P.S. On a related note, about five years ago I was going to skydive for the first time. A friend and I had it all scheduled for a place on Cape Cod. In the interim, our location was changed because the Obama's were on Martha's Vineyard, and the FAA restricts the air space. So instead of jumping over the sweeping vistas and dramatic shorelines of the Cape, we would've been 20 miles inland, looking out over highways and car dealerships, and we decided to pass until the Cape location was open again which would've been late September, the last weeks they do jumps before shutting down for the season. In the meantime, someone died parachuting in the Midwest. Then someone else in western Mass. We talked about it and decided the universe was trying to tell us something. So instead of taking those final weekends, we just canceled altogether. And I swear to you, on the final jump of the final day for that skydiving place, an instructor and client went off course, slammed into a barn and were killed. Sorry to end such a good news story on such a downer note. But the point of this is that, sometimes the world gives you signals, and we all need to pay attention.