So I just finished my first week hosting The Cousins on SiriusXM85 on Mondays and Fridays. If you didn’t hear, we’re back five days a week at 9:00 a.m. EDT Monday through Friday. I’ll be hosting Mondays and Fridays and Smitty and Trent will be trading off weeks on Tuesdays through Thursdays.
No one, and I mean NO ONE, preps more for 55 minutes of radio than Cousin Mike and Cousin Murray. Because we get to about 2% of the material they send in, I’m going to post a run down of the best things that they would have liked to yell about but didn’t have time (and maybe a few things they DID yell about but are funny anyway).
Today was ALL about Cousin Trent and the bachelor diss.
So we didn’t get too much beyond that and Trump’s coronavirus.
Without further ado, here’s your Cousins “Old Men Yell At Clouds” Friday News Rundown.
Kate blogged this yesterday, but it’s a crazy story for anyone who remembers their “eat healthy” ads with that pedophile pitchman Jared. The Irish court ruled that the starch in Subway’s bread is “too sugary” to meet the definition of bread. Shocking. The sugar to flour ratio is FIVE TIMES too high to be considered bread with a sugar content of 10%. Oh, no.
One Month Trial Ethan blogged this yesterday, too, but it’s a great story. I hate pet birds, so it’s a bit sad that people have been donating birds to refuges and zoos in huge numbers. Five of these donated birds, all African grey parrots, were given to the Lincolnshire Wildlife Park. They learned how to swear together, and had to be broken up and removed for excessive swearing. They’re favorite swear-word, which they taught themselves? Fuck Off. Mine too.
I’m sad that we didn’t get to talk about this subject, because there is nothing old men like more than eating black licorice. It’s clearly a global phenomenon. Maybe because it was the only accessible candy that existed back in the ‘50s when they were in their youth. So this 54 year old British dude actually died from eating so much black licorice. He died of a heart attack at a fast food restaurant (shocker there) and a post mortem discovered that “glycyrrhizic acid” (big words) in liquorice was to blame. The dude ate a BAG AND A HALF of black licorice every single day. For years. Don’t try this at home, folks.
Swastika, an upstate town in New York, voted to keep its name because it wasn’t named after the Nazi party flag (Hakenkreuz) but the sankskrit symbol popular in the early 1900s that symbolized good luck. Was really, really hoping that Mike and Murray weighed in on this; the next Cousins Retreat has to be in Swastika, right?
The Ohio Republican Party ran an ad attacking a Democratic state lawmaker and had to pull it after realizing it referenced a lawsuit involving a different person with the same name. They made an ad attacking a Democrat from Solon elected in 2018 that read “Phil Robinson can’t manage his own finances… Can we trust him with ours?” Problem is? They referenced the wrong Phil Robinson.
This one hits close to home for the Cousins, who have come very close to breaking beer bottles over each other’s heads over the years. Kamie Jo Roesler is a 28-year-old morning news anchor in Columbia, South Carolina got into a political argument with her 32-year-old male friend, and got so pissed she busted a beer bottle over his head.
The Post Office lost the ticket of Sue Burgess, of Hernando County, who sent her $1,000 Second Chance Lottery game winner by certified mail but it never made it to the lottery office in the one-week time frame required to claim the prize. Kind of click baity as it wasn’t actually lost, it was delayed. The Cousins certainly would have loved to talk about this given Cousin Mike’s history with USPS burning his mail.
Imagine being a world champion at your selected sport and being told you couldn’t board an airplane unless you prove you’re a woman. Six-time Russian world champion powerlifter Anna Turaeva was stopped in St. Petersburg and harassed by Utair staff. It’s probably good this one didn’t make the cut off because I’m very worried about what Cousin Murray would have said.
Three decades later and this dude still can’t catch a break. Steps on a nail, doesn’t go to the doctor, now he’s about to lose his foot… after losing a half a foot when Lorena hacked off his dick. Was pretty sure the Cousins would have said something WILDLY inappropriate about this.
Who doesn’t love ice cream? Who doesn’t love ice cream enough that when you’re too drunk to drive, you get your 13 year old stepdaughter to drive you to get some? Javier Martinez-Aguilar, 42, of Lubbock, for one. Unfortunately, he got charged with endangering a child and criminal negligence. I really wanted to ask the Cousins if there was anything they liked enough to get an underage kid to drive them to go get. Probably black licorice.
Remember, every Monday and Friday, I’ll fill you in on the things that we don’t get to on radio, so you can get a deeper look into the mind of the man who made Dave Portnoy (and his best friend of 50 years and wife’s cousin Murray).