I Had A Nice Bowl Of Lobster Bisque For Breakfast Which Obviously Means The Cubs Are Going To Win Today

I'm not joking when I say the Cubs are 9-0 over the last 3 seasons when I start the day with a lobster bisque. Sounds weird but it's the truth and I'm smart enough to play the percentages. Today's an elimination day which means you bring your best effort. For me that's a crisp bisque and a couple beers before the 11am. For you that could mean a few extra trips to the jerkoff factory this morning. Whatever it takes means whatever it takes. 

On that note, I'll be going for a run after I hit publish on the blog. Cubs are 5-1 this year when I go for a run. Not a big deal for a lot of you pussy marathoners but I got a bad leg and I'm carry a few dozen extra pounds. My mileage is on the same mathematical scale as doggy years. Once around the block is like 1.6 kilometers to the rest of you guys. Regardless, I have loaded up on Aleve in addition to lobster bisque and domestic pilsners. If you're holding back a little barf you're not thinking about your leg. 

Advertisement

Breakfast and exercise aside, I like the Cubs big today because Yu Darvish is pitching and that motherfucker is downright unhittable. I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating. I'm being dead serious. He very much should win the NL Cy Young as displayed by my good friend Fred's logic: 

But go ahead and talk more shit to me about Yu Darvish. It's exhausting. 

Elsewhere, the offense is fucking putrid and I'm sick of it. I am running out of ways to express my anger, disgust and frustration. There's no reason these bums score 1 run again today, right? Like if it's not Reynaldo Lopez throwing lollipops then we look like we're facing Bob Gibson circa 1967. If ever there was a time to grow a set of cherries and smash some meatballs, today is that day and the Miami Marlins are your opponent. Let's fucking rock and roll one time boys. Been a hot minute since we got a playoff win.