Thanks For The Tips, Guy Who Has Definitely Had Sex Before!

If I had a nickel for every time I'm at the club, gettin' hot and heavy with a gal and the panic of what's next strikes me and leaves me rendered completely useless, I wouldn't be working here, I'd be on a yacht somewhere in the Mediterranean counting my money. But, that panic is now no more thanks to this fine fellow on TikTok who has provided the absolutely perfect blueprint for getting some ass after the club.

First, you have to spend a ton of money on clothes that make you look like the virgin, incel hybrid of Barney Stinson and Patrick Bateman (more like Patrick Masturbateman, gottem). This is an important first step to guarantee you get to the aforementioned hot and heavy, make out at the club phase. 

Next, you have to tell her you have Mario Kart (bonus points if you throw in a truly haunting cackle afterward). Everyone knows that any girl under 25 just loves Mario Kart. Don't worry, however, about actually owning Mario Kart because you aren't ever going to have to play it, on account of all the sex you'll be doing.

Also, lie about having a dog that she wants to meet. Will she be concerned when she arrives to your apartment and said dog isn't there? Of course not because, again, you'll be too busy absolutely knocking boots. Bonus points if you somehow work in noted sexual predator Dennis Reynolds' leash bit.

Lastly, lie and say you have work in the morning. I know a TON of people who are out at "the club" the night before an early morning of work, so this won't come across as strange at all, I promise.

I was so nervous to get back to the New York City bar scene, nervous I may have lost my touch in these months of quarantine, but with these incredibly helpful facts from this bonafide stud/sex guru/adult TikTokker (who has for sure had sex with so many women) I know I am just going to be absolutely ready to plow. Going back right now to binge the hell out of "Rules For Picking Up Women At Clubs Parts 1-4."

Also, respect the drip.