With everything going on in the world right now, I think it’s the perfect time for another fake Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. The show has been renewed for Season 11, but we have no idea when filming will be permitted again, so we’ll have to make up our own episodes in the meantime. The last time I wrote one was mid-March. It was called “The Corona Episode” and had storylines about the spread of COVID and things shutting down. (You can read that here). This was right at the beginning of quarantine though. A lot has changed since then - in regards to both the virus and other things in the world.
This episode will take place in early/mid-June. It will take a look at how Larry is living in this COVID-infested world, while also in the midst of the George Floyd and Black Lives Matter protests. Obviously the issues are serious, but I tried to tackle this in a very Larry David/Curb way where comedy can be found in the awkwardness of the situations Larry finds himself in. It’s a comedy show, so while I don’t want to be insensitive to any of the issues at hand, I also wanted to just make this as funny as possible because that’s what comedy is all about.
Like the last blog, I won’t be writing this in screenplay format because I think that’s harder to read. I’ll just write paragraphs explaining the plot and include some dialogue.
So without further ado, I present to you…
Curb Your Enthusiasm: The 2020 Episode
Background: This takes place in June, a few months after the previous episode I wrote. A lot of Los Angeles is still shut down, but some things like outdoor dining are beginning to reopen. This is also in the middle of many protests around the LA area. Larry has still not caught COVID.
EXT. LOS ANGELES RESTAURANT
Larry, Jeff, Richard Lewis, and Freddy Funkhouser (Vince Vaughn) are doing outdoor dining at a restaurant in LA. This is one of the only times Larry has left his house since quarantine began. He boasts that it’s been the best few months of his life. “I always knew I didn’t like people, but I never truly realized how little I need them in my life.” Being 73, he’s also been neurotic over the virus and is afraid to catch it.
As mentioned in the last episode, Jeff had already caught the virus.
Jeff: “I just can’t believe I survived it. It was one of the toughest experiences of my life. Every single day was a nightmare.”
Freddy: “I thought you were asymptomatic.”
Jeff: “Oh the virus was nothing. I meant being quarantined with Susie.”
Larry then begins to complain that the toughest part of quarantine is that he hasn’t even seen a woman in four months. He’d love to break his dry sex spell, but he’s too afraid to catch the virus. He says to Jeff, “You people with the antibodies are like a society of the elite! Free to do whatever you want with no fear of catching or spreading this thing. I don’t want the virus, but I have to get these antibodies somehow!”
They suggest to Larry that he dates someone who already has the antibodies so he doesn’t have to fear catching the virus. Larry wonders, “Can I catch the antibodies like an STD or something?” And while they agree the science of that probably doesn’t work out, Larry does decide he can see someone as long as she has the antibodies so he can feel safe.
The conversation then shifts to the Black Lives Matter protests and racial issues in the country. They all agree there are serious injustices happening, and Richard tells Larry he should use his vast fame and influence to put out a statement of some sort. Larry is puzzled by the suggestion. “A statement? What are you fucking nuts? Nobody is dying to know what a 73-year-old Jew thinks of racial inequality in America.” Besides, Larry insists that living with a black guy (Leon) is the ultimate “I have a black friend” card. The lunch ends and Larry walks back to his car a few blocks away.
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET
Larry is walking down the block with his mask on and notices an African American man walking towards him without a mask. Since it’s a narrow sidewalk, and Larry is afraid of catching the virus, he crosses the street to avoid the maskless man.
Guy on street: “Oh I see what you’re doing man. Real nice.”
Larry: “What? I’m just crossing the street.”
Guy on street: “No I get it. Because I’m black. You think I’m gonna mug you or something? White people love crossing the street when they see a black guy. You’re just another racist asshole.”
Larry: “What?!? No. It’s not because you’re black! It’s because you’re not wearing a mask! Six feet apart! I’m just social distancing!”
Guy on street: “Whatever you pig”
Larry continues to plead: “I’m a germaphobe, not a racist! I live with a black guy!”
The guy walks off in disgust as Larry continues to plead that it was just a simple misunderstanding.
INT. LARRY’S HOUSE
Larry arrives home after the incident and sees Leon as he walks through the door. Larry looks at him and sheepishly throws up a fist in the air.
Leon: “What the fuck is that, LD?”
Larry: “I don’t know. Like the black power fist? Just wanted to remind you that I’m an ally.”
Leon: “Never do that again, Larry. That shit made me uncomfortable.”
Larry explains the situation that just happened on the street. Leon says, “Don’t sweat it LD. I know you’re good people. But I think I’m trying to get in on this All Lives Matter bullshit anyway.” Larry is puzzled. Leon explains that while he agrees with the BLM protests and thinks the All Lives Matter crowd is mostly racist morons, he realized “That’s where the money is. A black guy saying black lives matter doesn’t move the needle anymore. A black guy saying All Lives Matter? I’ve been booked on four different talk shows this week.” Leon has become a prominent social media figure for his All Lives Matter takes. He’s become a hero amongst conservative Twitter. “I’m making bank off this shit, LD. Been getting tons of crazy white girl pussy too.” Larry shrugs it all off and goes on with his day.
Later that evening, Larry orders himself dinner off Seamless. Wanting some good karma, he decides he’s going to give the delivery guy a big cash tip, so he sets the tip amount on the website to 0%. The food arrives and the doorbell rings. Larry says “One second!” as he fumbles around looking for a $100 bill to give the driver. He finally gets to the door and sees the food left outside. The driver speeds away and yells “You cheap asshole!” Larry forgot that he had contactless delivery turned on due to COVID.
After guiltily eating his dinner, Larry has a Zoom call lined up for business. A network has reached out and they want him to help write a comedy cartoon. However, shortly before the call, his house loses power. He walks outside and sees there’s been a massive blackout throughout the entire neighborhood. His phone and laptop are about to die too, so he can’t charge them for the virtual meeting and misses it completely. The scene ends with Larry stuck in his dark house.
EXT. WALK IN MEDICAL CLINIC
Being neurotic that he’s finally left his house for the first time in months, Larry decides to go get a COVID test the next afternoon. He gets on the socially-distanced line that is forming outside the testing site.
He takes out his phone to call the people he was supposed to have the Zoom meeting with and explains the situation. As he begins to talk on the phone, a black woman gets behind him on line (played by Retta, Donna from Parks & Rec).
On the phone, Larry says, “There was a blackout in my town last night. It was terrifying. Nobody wants that. Such a lovely neighborhood too. The last thing you want to have is a blackout. And I mean what do you do when there’s a blackout anyway? Who do you even report that to? I don’t know if that’s something the police take care of—”
Larry is interrupted by the woman behind him.
“Wow you racist piece of shit. I cannot believe you would say those things. What the hell is wrong with you?!?” She then realizes that it’s Larry David. “Oh wow. Larry David. Yeah I noticed you never even put out a statement. You’re garbage.”
The woman walks away and Larry is absolutely befuddled. He is in stunned silence trying to figure out what just happened. He then realizes it.
The woman overheard Larry’s call and misunderstood what he was saying. She misinterpreted “There was a blackout in my town” as “There was a black out in my town.” She thought Larry was complaining that there was a black person out in his neighborhood and was scared so tried to call the police. (Re-read Larry’s call interpreted that way to understand the confusion).
Larry yells out, “What?!? No!!! Not a black out! A blackout! I mean… the power went out! That’s what I was talking about! I would never say that! I live with a black guy!”
The woman continues to walk off as Larry keeps yelling to explain himself.
INT. LARRY'S CAR
We fast forward one day. Larry has a meeting with the network to talk about the cartoon in person. They decide to do outdoor dining at a restaurant. He’s driving there when he gets a call from Richard Lewis. Richard says that he’s set up a double date for Larry with his girlfriend’s friend. “And the best part? She’s got the antibodies.” Larry is elated and agrees to it. Richard asks if he’d like him to send a picture of her and Larry says, “No I don’t care. As long as she’s got the antibodies and a vagina, that’s good enough!”
He gets a call waiting from Jeff so hangs up on Richard to take it. Jeff has terrible news. The woman from the incident yesterday wrote a piece on Medium titled “Larry David Is A Racist. My Story.” It has gone mega-viral. On top of that, other stories are beginning to flood in. One black man says that Larry David crossed the street when he approached him the other day. Another black guy says that Larry didn’t tip him at all after delivering his food the other night.
Larry is in a panic on the phone. “I can’t believe this is happening! These are three simple misunderstandings! The first guy didn’t have a mask on! That’s his fault! And then there was a power outage! And the delivery driver?!? I didn’t even know he was black! I had contactless delivery on! I was going to tip him $100!”
Before they can plan out what to do, Larry arrives at the restaurant just in time for his meeting.
EXT. LOS ANGELES RESTAURANT
Larry sits down with the three other men, one of whom is African American. Larry is nervous and unsure if they’ve seen the hit pieces about him, so he explains what’s happening. They say that they saw it all, but they believe Larry, especially since they were on the phone with him for the “blackout” incident and knew his true intentions. The lunch goes on as they talk business. Larry orders a burger that’s listed on the menu as “The Master Cheese Burger.” (This is the real name of a burger at Red Robin, for the record).
The food arrives at the table. The African American waiter is handing out the plates. He puts the burger down in front of Larry and says “Master” (referring to the name of the burger). Larry, forgetting the name of the burger he ordered, hears this and nervously panics. After all the racial misunderstandings he’s been going through, he’s on high alert to avoid any further incidents. “Master??? What? Don’t call me that. Sir is fine. Or not even sir. Just Larry! Or don’t even call me anything. Whatever you want!”
The waiter and the table look at Larry in stunned silence.
Waiter: “Sir, you ordered The Master Cheese Burger.”
Larry glances down at his burger: “Ah.”
Everyone shakes their heads. They have an awkward rest of their meeting.
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET
Larry decides to go for a long walk to clear his head. He can’t believe everything that has happened. As he’s walking, he notices the back of a large protest march a block away. After everything that’s gone on, he decides it would be good to join a BLM protest and show that he’s not this racist monster he’s been made out to be. Larry runs to catch up with the protest and joins the backend of it.
As he’s marching, he begins to look around in confusion. It’s all white people. A lot of them are not wearing masks. There are tons of American flags. He begins to read the signs “Fauci Is Corrupt.” “Fear Is The Real Virus.” “Let Us Work. Let Us Live.” “Masks Don’t Work.” “Give Me Liberty Or Give Me COVID-19.”
Larry has accidentally joined a Reopen America/Anti-Lockdown protest. People begin yelling at him, “Take your mask off!” He looks to the sidewalks and sees reporters taking pictures of him in the protest and shaking their heads in disappointment. Larry quickly leaves the protest. Instead of even trying to explain himself this time, he just runs away.
INT. LARRY’S HOUSE
After all these incidents, Larry decided he should release a statement. He’s on the phone with his publicist as they workshop one. He eventually released one where he condemned racism in America, explained the misunderstandings that happened, and fully supported the Black Lives Matter movement. He wanted to add “I live with a black guy” but his publicist decided that wasn’t the way to go. He also made some large donations. Some people forgive him and laugh off the misunderstandings. Some people still think he’s a racist.
EXT. LOS ANGELES RESTAURANT
It’s a few days later, and things have calmed down for Larry. It’s time for his double date. They go to the same restaurant Larry went to for his meeting. He meets up with Richard Lewis, Richard’s girlfriend, and Larry’s date for outdoor dining. Upon arriving, Larry sees that his antibody-carrying blind date is black.
The date goes well. His date (Amber) laughs off all the incidents Larry found himself in. She’s a huge Seinfeld fan and knows Larry is a good person, so she just chalked it up to typical Larry David shenanigans. One incident that hadn’t gone public was “The Master Burger.” When looking at the menu, Amber sees it.
Amber: “Master burger? I don’t like the racial undertones of that. That should probably be changed.”
Larry throws his hands up in the air: “I completely agree!”
The date ends and Larry asks Amber if she’d like to go back to his house. She agrees.
INT. LARRY’S HOUSE
Larry and Amber are making out on the couch in his living room. Things are going swimmingly. Larry is getting excited that his dry spell is finally about to end. Larry goes to the bathroom to prepare himself and tells Amber he’ll meet her upstairs in his room.
As Larry is in the bathroom, Amber looks around his living room before heading upstairs. She notices a ton of All Lives Matter merchandise (from Leon, which she doesn’t know). There’s shirts, hats, and signs. She even stumbles across Larry’s “Make America Great Again” hat that he used in Season 10 to keep people away from him.
Larry walks out of the bathroom and sees an angered Amber.
Amber: “So I guess all those horrific stories about you were true, huh?”
Amber: “Larry All Lives Matter David! All you celebrities try to be so woke with your Black Lives Matter statements, but this is the real you, huh? You really are the racist monster people say you are!”
She begins to storm out. Larry looks around and notices Leon’s All Lives Matter stuff and realizes what’s happened. He chases after her.
Larry: “No you don’t understand! That’s not my stuff! Well the hat is mine, but that was just to keep people away from me. But the All Lives Matter Stuff is my roommate Leon’s! And he’s black!”
Amber isn’t buying it and walks out the door.
Amber: “I bet you only went out with me because I’m black, right? Let people see you out with a black girl to cover up how racist you are?”
Larry: “What?!? No I’m not dating you because you’re black! I actually didn’t even know you were black! To be honest, I’m really only dating you because you have the antibodies!”
This does not make things any better.
Amber: “Oh, you want some antibodies? Here are your antibodies!”
Amber spits in his face.
Larry mutters under his breath: “Well, they don’t spread like that.”
Amber speeds away in her car. Larry looks defeated as saliva drips off his face.
Cue the music.