The White House Is Reviewing CBD And Marijuana Research. Here's My Own Research Into What Type Of Green Is Best

It may come as a surprise to you that such a masculine and testosterone-ridden guy like myself consumes a lot of salads, but I do. 

Yesterday, while grocery shopping with later plans to make myself a delicious salad, I was faced with a very tough choice I had yet to experience in the past. All of the mixed salad combos were gone. I usually get a "super greens" mix or a baby spinach and arugula combo, but now I was forced to choose just one, as I would never be able to get through both large boxes if I was to buy and make a mix myself. So, without further adieu, here is the ranking you all have been waiting for, the top 10 salad greens. 

10. Iceberg lettuce - The nickname I have seen for iceberg lettuce  "crunchy water" is disrespectful to even the worst of waters (sewage, swamp, Dasani). A little iceberg on a burger? Sure, sign me up. A giant half-frozen chunk in a wedge salad? Absolute trash.

9. Curly endive - You know that grass that sneaks up in-between normal grass but is way too sharp and actually hurts to walk on barefoot? Translate that over to your mouth and that is basically the experience eating curly endive is.

8. Green cabbage - Green cabbage is good when cooked. Green cabbage is not nearly as good when it is not cooked. Salads are not cooked, so green cabbage is not very good. Also, coleslaw stinks.

7. Purple cabbage - Purple cabbage is good when cooked. Purple cabbage is not nearly as good when it is not cooked. Salads are not cooked, so purple cabbage is not very good. Also, coleslaw stinks. It is better than green cabbage though.

6. Kale - I'm not sure when it actually happened, but remember when kale became this big thing? All of a sudden it seemed everyone was talking about kale, joking about kale, or (if you are a middle-aged white woman) wearing clothing with just terrible kale puns. Kale as a salad green is WAY too chewy.

5. Swiss Chard - The Swiss are moreso known for their chocolate, but this is honestly a very good green. While it is delicious sautéed, it holds up well as a salad green by itself with good flavor while not being too much work.

4. Butterhead lettuce - Butterhead lettuce leaves do an excellent job of holding salad fixings due to their slightly domed shape. This makes for a very good salad experience, especially for loaded salads.

3. Romaine Romaine lettuce gets a nod into the top three strictly because Caesar salads are elite and they are made with romaine lettuce. That is enough to carry it this far. On top of that, it is a solid base that does not wilt easily and stands up well to a ton of toppings and good amount of dressing. It does, however, often make headlines for being riddled with E. coli, so that is not ideal. 

2. Spinach - The major knock on spinach in general is the goddamn disappearing act it pulls anytime you cook it. That is not a problem when it is the base of the salad. The only thing keeping spinach out of the number one spot is the stems. Sometimes that stem just refuses to enter your mouth and just starts slapping around outside and I am not here for that. Embarrassing when you are eating in public.

1. Arugula - The most elite salad green. Peppery flavor, versatility, great texture, lasts forever in the fridge, flavor pairings out the ass. Just the absolute cream of the crop. I cannot imagine why anyone would consider any other green to be number one. 

Honorable mention: Marijuana. Not a salad, but nevertheless an important green to many.

I also want to apologize to all of the cobb salad fans out there because I very much got cobb and wedge salads mixed up yesterday and threw some pretty slanderous accusations about the former that I deeply regret now. 

Clickbait Bailey, baby.