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Old Lady* In A Wheelchair Protecting Her Favorite Target From Looters (By Stabbing People.) (With A Knife.) Gets Punched In The Head 100 Times And Blasted With 100 Pounds Of Fire Extinguisher Foam For Her Trouble

Update: Is....is this a joke or a real thing? We're joking around right? Because we hate that Andy guy? 

There are approx. 1,000,000 tweets saying that. But no source. I huddled up with my Journalism task force (Kevin). We decided this blog can't be updated until we see and hold the literal birth certificate in our hands. This woman cannot be called 30 years old without that, it's just simply protocol. 

Also add this morning to the "explain our world to aliens" list.


I was up all night long — had to do with my infamous upstairs neighbor, a stereo system, an EDM dance party, but that's another story for another time slot. Point here is I had a lot of time to spend on the internet catchin up on the news. And here's your big story if you need something to talk about around the office Zoom today. 

The George Floyd protests continued for the 2nd night and morphed into more of a "riot" situation, including some disturbing images from a Target (and a burned down Autozone and Dollar Store, and just now reports of a fatal shooting to top off a total of 5 on the night.) 

Here's the Target which is probably the most viral part of everything: 

Ugh. Few things make my blood boil hotter than looting, and specifically, watching footage of looters. Big smiles on their faces, stealing. Yeah ok, it's hard to feel bad in the economic sense for "Target" or any of the massive stores. Not like this was the little old neighborhood mom and pop Ye Olde Target variety store with penny candy and now mom and pop are broke and dead. But it's one of the few things that actually earns the overused and annoying and Buzzfeedy "lose your faith in humanity" tag. A couple hundred feet away people are marching and getting beaten down and taking 100 tons of tear gas to the mouth and eyeballs to stand up for what they believe in and to fight against things like systemic racism and murder in their community. And these people — and I use that term loosely — are contributing by…capitalizing on the distraction to steal TVs and video games and the motherfucking display cases nailed to the floor to hold those things. And not to be Captain Obvious but I guess I should mention it just to be sure…you know that big fancy name brand store employs hundreds of people with lives that are nothing close to big and fancy right? Well, *employED. My mistake. They probably won't be needed to come in and stock up the non-existent shelves in a big empty room. Whatever, they'll just find a new job, those are easy to get right now I think? 

 I mean look at this fucking place. First episode of "Target or Active War Zone?":

I mean that second video…for the first time maybe ever, looters "stole the entire store" isn't an exaggeration talking about products. It's literally literal. They quite literally stole the store. Honestly 50/50 chance they come back tomorrow for the foundation. 

Anyway like I said it pisses me off and I don't need this shit during quarantine so I'm cutting myself off before I write 10,000 words. But I will at least throw in what I said in the headline:

A woman in a wheelchair was punched in the head and sprayed with a fire extinguisher after trying to block protesters - allegedly with a knife in her hand - during the George Floyd riots in Minneapolis last night. 

The woman claimed she was 'peacefully protesting' to stop people from looting a Target store, but she was quickly set upon by a crowd who subdued her in angry scenes on the second night of violence in the city. 

The crowd outside the Target store shouted that the woman had a knife, and footage showed her holding what appeared to be a sharp object. 

Named online as Jennifer, she later said she had been 'punched in the head several times' before others tried to restrain her. (Daily Mail)

Just for fairness I'll do the fact checking:

And yes admittedly, she can walk. 

Well that's that. I mean what do you want me to say? It's fucking gross. The whole scene, all of it, everyone. 

Yeah she's swinging a knife trying to stab people. A lot of comments, and then my own eyes, show that she's being suspiciously selective of who she tries to stab. Yeah she went out of her way to…defend…a Target that she doesn't own or work at…armed, in the middle of violent protests-turned-riots…while in a wheelchair. While old as fuck. 

Does that mean it's fun or cool or even ok to watch her get fuckin pummeled and rag dolled all over the parking lot? An old woman in a wheelchair? 

Oh, and taking 100 pounds of whatever that shit is inside the fire extinguisher to the grill?

I mean. Direct fuckin hit. Jesus. 

My answer is no, it's not fun or funny to watch that, or to watch the worst idiots on both sides hit Twitter to defend either side.

If I had to reach for a bright side here like the eternal optimist I am, I guess I could say…at least we got to see all the different races come together for once to be assholes and scumbags equally?

Ok ok I couldn't do it, I couldn't just hit publish and X out without at least adding one pretentious comment. I think it could actually help someone though — like I said, I spent a LOT of time online, mostly on Twitter, where this really applies the most. So here's my lesson of the morning: there are a lot of things in the world that are not mutually exclusive. 

-If you get confused about which one is which like me, remember a coin flip is mutually exclusive (heads or tails) while two things both being true at the same time are NOT mutually exclusive- 

For this specific story at hand we'll narrow it down to one, so here's an example I thought of off the top of my head: it's possible that there is not necessarily a hero and villain in every situation, such as, say, during a looting, it's possible a (possibly racist, definitely dangerous) woman trying to stab people is bad, and the people mauling her while laughing as they pummel her after looting a new bamboo Queen sheet set are also bad. Another example is:

It's possible for both things to be true — that yes there is a small subset of "protestors" who bastardize a legitimate movement by just using it as a cover to steal a new TV, but that in no way means you can in good faith make the jump to "all protestors are bad" 

While that same idea is ALSO true for the other side, in this case the police, who employ guys like Officer Chauvin and many (way too many) like him in the subset you see on the news 24/7, while also, statistically and logically, having a majority of officers who are not racists looking to murder people on the job but are in fact good hard working men and women legitimately trying to protect and serve.  

In simpler terms because I'm tired and maybe that wasn't phrased well:  not all protestors are scumbag thieves and grandma beaters, and not all police officers are racist murderers. I'd go out on a limb and even say it's the MAJORITY for both, and that this would be easier to believe without the mainstream media from both sides. 

Finally would…….would it be too much to say….eh I don't know…ok I'm just gonna go for it….could I just throw it out there that maybe if we all started talking about things openly with that as the basis, we could maybe get somewhere and grow? 

Sorry I swear I'm just tired I did not mean to try and solve race relations in America at 8 AM on fuckin Barstool. I will get the Smokeshow up in a few minutes sorry.