Cubicle Chronicles: Holidays In The Cubes

Its the most miserable time of the year! I’m not trying to be a Scrooge. I love Christmas time. But when you’re a Cube Monkey you love it from about 6pm to 6am Monday through Friday and Saturdays and Sundays. Any time spent trapped in your cage during the holiday season, everything you hate is multiplied by a million. Because its impossible to go to the office, put your head down, bang out your work, and get the fuck out of there. You’ve got people planning Secret Santa. You’ve got office holiday parties. You’ve got the fat secretary blasting Dominic the fucking Donkey ten times a day. Hey who knows! Maybe you show up and someone has turned your cube into the goddam Polar Express train or a human sized snow globe!

Just a miserable time to be a member of the corporate Walking Dead. Perhaps my worst moment of my Christmas Cubicle life was my annual picture with fucking Santa Claus. If you listed to this week’s episode of MailTime you heard me describe this experience. Every year my entire group of coworkers would take a picture with Santa Claus. Like 30 grown adults cramming around Santa’s sleigh for a picture while there was a line of like 200 children who just wanted to get to see St. Nick.

How about your boy KFC in the blue Freddy Krueger shirt! Buzz cut too! It was another life man. I blurred out all the faces except for my man bottom right. Thats the Garbageman. People who know me back from my Forsurenot.com days will remember him. He sent this to me the other day to remind me of my life in the trenches. I immediately had PTSD flashbacks. The sickest part is all fucking 50 of us crammed in there smiling for the camera like we’re all 10 years old at the mall. Brainwashed like its completely normal to be the only ones over the age of 8 sitting on Santa’s lap. Fake smiles for days even though secretly we were all just praying Santa brought us a severance package that year on the 25th. Dark, dark days in the life of KFC.

If you’re stuck in a cube decorated like the Polar Express or you’re taking pictures with Santa at work, enjoy a little MailTime today. You can listen to the MailTime Christmas List released yesterday. Or if you’re a premium member of KFC Radio, you can listen to the newest Deluxe Episode, a break down of all the injuries Harry and Marv suffer in the Home Alone series. You can sign up for a premium membership here for one dollar a month