Do NOT Complain About This Masshole's Loud Car Sex Unless You're Ready for a Machete Fight
Sharon, MA – A Hanson woman was held without bail Monday after police said she attacked three men with a machete in a hotel parking lot in Sharon following an altercation over loud sexual behavior in a car.
Allison Maitland, 34, was arraigned in Stoughton District Court on two counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon causing serious bodily injury and one count of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. …
A man who was with Maitland and involved in the fight, Sean Perry, 35, of Hanson was arrested Monday afternoon. …
Police said a New York family was getting back to the hotel from a wedding when they saw Maitland and Perry “being sexual in (a) car” and making loud noises, according to a police report filed with court.
One member of the family, a 31-year-old man, said “get a room” loudly enough for the pair to hear, according to a witness. Perry began to yell and curse at the victim, who walked over toward the car.
Perry brandished a knife in the car then pulled out of his parking spot and drove 15 feet toward the exit, according to police. Perry then stopped the car, climbed out and got into a fist fight with the victim, according to the report.
The victim’s 26-year-old brother was trying to break up the fight when Maitland jumped out of the car and began to “slash at everything in front of her,” a witness told police. The 59-year-old father of the two brothers struck Maitland and was able to wrestle the machete away from her, but not before Maitland wounded the three men.
The father and his sons were taken to the Boston Medical Center to be treated for lacerations.
I feel I’ve been pretty consistent when it comes to opposing machete violence. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve told my kids that long, single-bladed knives are for chopping your way through dense jungle foliage, not solving your disputes. If you have a problem, talk it out. Don’t just go full Danny Trejo at the first sign of a disagreement. It’s a machete, not a shillelagh. Use your words.
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With that disclaimer out of the way, it’s hard not to sympathize with Allison Maitland and Sean Perry here. These two beautiful (Note: I’m going to just go ahead and assume he’s quite a looker), soulful lovers were in the throes of passion. The kind of lovemaking that best happens spontaneously. In a beautiful setting like by the ocean, on a mountainside or the back seat in a hotel parking lot.
But these three jokers just had to come along and turn her deep, throaty climax into a punchline. “Get a room.” Ha ha. Real original. That was a big laugh for those guys, I’m sure. But you don’t joke about the physical love of these two soulmates. Any more than you would an Antony and Cleopatra. A Beatrice and Benedict. An Elizabeth Darcy and Mr. Darcy. Or Matt Damon and Michael Douglas in that Liberace movie.
I’m glad everyone is relatively unscathed. But hopefully those New Yorkers learned a lesson about what happens when you come between two gorgeous sexual Massholes in the height of satisfying their animal lust. You’d be safer interrupting a lion mating with a lioness. The smart thing to do is to just give an Allison Maitland a wide berth, go to your room and let her finish. I’m just sorry these tourists had to find out the hard way.