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Stop Fucking Tagging Me In The Ginger Dude Beach Calendar

VT- Are you a ginger male that would happily describe themselves as “red hot”? Do you enjoy frolicking around on the beach with other good looking, red-headed males in tight Speedos? Can you see yourself being the freckly face of October?

The Red Hot European Boys 2020 calendar is on the lookout for new models to feature in their upcoming release – all you need to be is a redheaded, good looking male.

But don’t think you’ll just be selected just because you’ve got firey red hair and chiseled abs, because Red Hot are also looking for models who possess “cheeky personalities” as well. 

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I’ve been tagged by over 40 men for this calendar today. 40 dudes on instagram thought, damn I’d love to see pictures of Francis grating parmesan on his abs in Ibiza. What’s more, I’d like to see him kneeling at the bottom of a human pyramid comprised entirely of shredded gingers. And finally, I want to see him in a pair of skin-tight “Red Hot” bottoms so that I can finally quench the thirst of my burning curiosity. What shape taketh his orange hog? To what side leaneth his schwartz? Dear God, December can’t come soon enough.

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Would I qualify? Come on, that’s a joke. Athletic, natural red hair, and a “cheeky personality”? You know me. Move on. I sure as hell look more athletic than some of these dumpy dogs:

Without a hint of irony, I have to ask if this man even lifts. Does he? That is the body of a hiker, not a lifter. Enjoy your boots and views, bud.

The reason I refuse to apply is because I hate other redheads. Can’t stand them. I hate being around other people with red hair because it makes other people uncomfortable. They think we’re plotting or about to take back the plane. I hooked up with a redheaded girl once and we had to stop because we were both so weirded out. She had an orange landing strip and when my quarter-inch astroturf met her soul patch it stuck like velcro. You can’t fight fire with fire. We worried we were related.

Look at these dopes:

I could never pull off that picture. I can’t look “cheeky” wearing only a wet dick belt, climbing all over the slippery back of an orangutang. I’d be standing ten feet away, telling them we need to spread out for the sake of the families on the beach. This shit is unsettling. Be a citizen of the world.

And so, with zero hesitation, I withdraw my candidacy. Stop tagging me. But buy the calendar I guess, since it’s for a good cause.