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Spring Tailgate Prep: 5 Ways You've Been Grilling Your Steaks ALL WRONG

The earliest opening day in MLB history is fast approaching, leaving you with only 23 days until those BBQ tongs are out & you’re squeezing massive amounts of Kingsford starter fluid onto the coals while everyone looks on nervously, because you’re absolutely shit-housed.

I don’t want you to look like a big dum dum face in front of those people, so to help I’ve decided to let you in on 5 ways you’ve been grilling your steaks ALL WRONG.

1) Storing your steaks on five beautiful women from Brazil’s 2017 Miss Bum Bum Pageant.

It only lasts 3 – 4 days in the refrigerator and 2 – 3 months in the freezer, so it’s only going to last 5 – 6 hours on women from Brazil’s 2017 Miss Bum Bum Pageant. I know they’re super nice & they ‘like, legit really like you now’, but try somewhere not body-temp.

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2) Not wearing an apron.

Even tough guys need a good apron, and it’ll keep your team’s jersey neat & clean before you head in to the big game. Go with something that’ll make the whole gang break out in a hearty chuckle and say, “Ohhh, we’re gonna! ;-)~”

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3) Being poor while you cook them.

Hey, stop that! Steaks aren’t as good if you’re running around being poor. Get more money & buy better grills, meat & accoutrements.

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4) Letting the kids help.

Don’t get me wrong, Jaxon & McKynzie are great, and Deb says they’ve been missing you lots with all the long hours you’ve been putting in at the office lately, but they just get in the way. You’re going to miss that pivotal 3.75 minute window for a solid, raaaare medium-rare flip if they’re loitering by the meats, whiiiining away for you tell that story about the time you & your dad (their late Grandpa) caught a foul ball from Wade Boggs in your little Red Sox ice cream helmet.

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5) Not seasoning correctly.

A common misconception is that ketchup is a “no-no”. Au contrails. That’s actually a rumor started by the think tank at “Big A-1″ trying to keep you down. Tomatoes have the perfect acid & sugar level to take your stake from “just okay” to GRADE A.

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Tune in next month as I tell you the 5 Ways You’ve Been Handling Your Student Debt Wrong.