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Poor El Chapo Just Wants To Hug His Wife In Court


ABC- The world’s most notorious drug lord, whose trial begins in New York City next week with opening statements, sought permission from the court to hug his wife. Defense attorneys asked that Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman be allowed to give his wife, Emma Coronel Aispuro, “a brief, momentary greeting to include perhaps an embrace.”

His attorneys cast it as a “humanitarian gesture” for the alleged drug trafficker and murderer who was permitted no contact with his wife during nearly two years in solitary confinement. “It is well known that solitary confinement poses negative effect to a person’s sanity,” the defense filing said. Federal prosecutors did not immediately respond to a request made on behalf of someone they’ve hardly portrayed as a cuddly defendant deserving of a hug.

I’ll admit that I may be biased to this story because I am known as a big hug guy here at Barstool. Maybe even a hug slut in some circles because I like hugging people. There are very few things easier to do that can instantly raise a person’s morale than getting your paws into them and allowing them to wash away into your arms. Kisses may be a more passionate form of caring, but hugs are a more versatile version of showing you care while still packing a powerful emotional punch.

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If that A+ level of lawyering didn’t take you on an emotional rollercoaster, you don’t have a soul.

Poor El Chapo isn’t asking for makeout sessions or blowies in the judge’s chambers. He just wants to hug his wife and maybe get some blood flowing downstairs that doesn’t involve his own hand while sleeping in The Hole. Is that too much to ask? If we deny a man’s right to hug, what separates us from the cold-blooded killer drug kingpin with a gaggle of bodies on his resume? Nothing, that’s the answer. Do the right thing Judge Whateveryourname is and give love a chance.

Actually now that I think about it, El Chapo could definitely just be saying he wants a hug so his wife can smuggle him some sort of device to escape jail with to complete his prison break trilogy in New York. And if he escapes jail, he is definitely going to head due North to Winterfell instead of being locked in the riff raff of New Jersey or Long Island. Don’t let that man’s wife within the same zip code as him. This is Your Boy KFC writing this by the way. Definitely not Clem.