I Spoke For All Of America On Fox Business This Morning

Happy to speak for America this morning. This is indeed the United States Open so I’m happy to speak for the United States of America. Fuck Ian Poulter. We’re getting the carnage we deserve which is great, but you know what’s not great? Ian Poulter’s 1-under and tied for the lead after round one. We can’t have that. I’m happy to represent America on Fox Business and while Dustin Johnson represents America on the golf course.

Oh also on this same segment, a few people may have noticed, small little thing. The host said I was looking at Dave cross-eyed…

…and Dave had the biggest choke job in live TV history. Sad to see a guy go from the highest high to the lowest low all at Shinnecock.

Phil Mickelson at Winged Foot. Jean van de Velde at Carnoustie. Dave Portnoy on Fox Business at Shinnecock. Some of the greatest meltdowns in golf history.

PS — Shoutout to Supreme Golf for making all this possible. Largest site & app for tee times in the world. You’re dumb if you don’t use Supreme Golf to book tee times. Go to for some discounts.