2018 Could See The Return Of Bullpen Carts To Major League Baseball, But Here's The Case For Using Motorcycles Instead

Carrabis2/02/2018 3:42 PM

OH SHIT! In an effort to speed up the game, I’ve heard some pretty dumb fuckin’ ideas like making the games seven innings, giving teams the option to skip innings if they’re ahead late in the game, etc. But bringing back bullpen carts? I like where your head’s at. Hold that thought for a minute, though. I’ve got a better idea.

The whole point of speeding up the games isn’t just to appease the audience who already watches. Baseball diehards will watch a six-hour, nineteen-inning game that’s scoreless until 2:30 in the morning on a Tuesday night. The point of speeding up the games is to attract a younger, newer audience, an audience with an attention span that is unprecedentedly short. So, that being said, it’s not just about making the games shorter, it’s also about making them more appealing and more entertaining for the kids.

I’ll be honest, the first thing that I thought when I saw the bullpen cart idea was, “How will this impact the intimidation factor to closers making their entrances?” I mean, think about it. Trevor Hoffman coming out to Hells Bells, Mariano Rivera coming out to Enter Sandman, Jonathan Papelbon coming out to Shipping Up To Boston — those were all “Oh fuck, here we go” moments for the home crowd. Always got the ballpark buzzing. Coming out in a silly bullpen cart kind of takes away from the seriousness and the intensity of the moment, right?

I’ve got an idea. Motorcycles. Yup. Save the bullpen carts for the shitbum relievers who are about to cough up four runs on six hits in an inning and a third. We’re doing team bullpen motorcycles for closers. It’s the top of the ninth, Dodgers are up 3-2, Dave Roberts hangs up the phone, the bullpen gates open, the PA system starts blaring: “OHHHHHHHHHHH! THEY CALL ME COWBOY, I’M THE SINGER IN BLACK, THROW THE FINGER IN THE AIR, LET ME SEE WHERE YOU’RE AT AND SAY HEY! HEY!”

Vin Scully yelling from his couch, “WAIT! WHAT THE HELL! BAH GAWD! IT’S THE CURACAON BADASS!” The crowd at Dodger Stadium starts going NUTS. Kenley Jansen just revving the shit out of a custom Dodgers chopper, throwing a fist up in the air, pounding his heart, and then rides that bad boy out to the mound before mowing down three dudes to put one in the win column for LA. You want to get that younger audience watching baseball again? Closers riding motorcycles. That’s how you do it.