U.S. Olympic Rower Says She'll "Row Through Shit For America"

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Alright now that’s what I’m FUCKING talking about. Let’s be honest, it’s been nothing but doom and gloom and ZIKA about these Rio Olympics, and I’ve been leading the charge. Every day it’s something new – mosquitos will deform your children and kill you, gangs set up posts on bridges and open fire into your windshield on the only highway into the city, the police won’t protect you because nobody pays them, and if they do decide to go on duty, they kidnap you and force you to withdraw money from ATMs to pay them. If you happen to get hurt the hospitals aren’t open to treat you. The stadiums aren’t built yet. The workers are actively sabotaging the construction. All the Russians are on steroids. And the latest yesterday was the Health Department warning you to “keep your mouth closed” in the water events because it is full of poop, literally – human poop, and pathogens and viruses and microorganisms that’ll get up inside you and kill your ass.

And all of that is true. And the Olympics in Rio is still the worst idea in the history of functioning brainpower. BUT in all that negativity I forgot that there are still bad ass motherfucking Americans out here just dying to represent the greatest country of all time, like rower Megan Kalmoe.

All of us owe something to our nation for getting us this far, or for believing in us, and competing under our shared colors is our way of expressing our gratitude to you. So tell me again why you want to talk about poop?

If you are that insecure about where we stand, America, let me be the one to say it. I’ll say it, if it will allay your fears and put some of these issues to rest:

I will row through shit for you, America.

And I will do it gladly, and proudly, because rowing on this team in Rio is not something I’m afraid of, or going to complain about. I will do it, and I will defend fiercely the dignity of the people who are doing their best to make everyone happy while we are all guests in their beautiful country. I will do it, and I will try to discourage you from taking away even the tiniest bit of magic or excitement from a single one of my teammates who have earned this trip with their blood and sweat, and all of whom deserve to have a really positive experience in Rio.

Ok Megan, point taken, message received loud and clear. Let’s fucking go.