Florida Football Coach Fired For Dishing Out Forced Snot-Rockets And Telling A Shitty Player He Should Commit Suicide

FIRST COAST NEWS – A Putnam County football coach is off the field and banned from teaching after accusations of head-butting a player and telling another player to “commit suicide.”

Randell Gene Owens was an assistant football coach, physical education teacher and dean at Palatka High School, but he resigned Dec. 19, 2017, according to Putnam County school board minutes. In June, the Florida Department of Education permanently revoked his teaching license.

Annnnnnd the persecution of football coaches continues.  Very few jobs in America are as tenuous as football coach.  A once proud occupation has been reduced to glorified babysitter all under the ever watchful eye of Big Brother making sure you don’t hurt any feelings.

Here are the 4 allegations that got him fired:

According to the DOE administrative complaint, during the 2017-2018 season Owens was alleged to have:

1) Head-butted a 16-year-old male student

2) Told another player that he was a not a good football player and that he “should commit suicide,” or words to that effect.

3) Plugged up one nostril and forced mucus to be released from his other nostril on another 15-year old male student.

4) Stood on a toilet seat and peeped over the bathroom stall at a 16-year-old male student and watched that student while he used the facilities.

Let’s address them one by one.

1.  Was the headbutt with or without the helmet on?  I mean if he headbutted a player with his helmet on that’s kind of more a punishment of himself if you think about it.  Players do that to each other all the time, fist fight each other just punching each other in their facemasks, which makes me think it doesn’t hurt that bad.  Plus it’s just part of the job description of a coach to headbutt your guys and get that tiny little forehead cut that slowly drips down your face throughout the game.

Helmet off?  Eh.  That’s kind of over the line.  I’m not completely unreasonable.  That shit hurts.

2.  I mean did the kid stink at football?  Nothing better for a kid to hear than honesty.  It’s truly the best policy.  It’s frowned upon in today’s snowflake culture where everybody needs smoke puffed up their butt but there’s nothing more helpful than learning early on that you suck at something and should stop wasting your time doing it.  Now, that doesn’t mean you have to kill yourself.   You can just go try something else.  Did he say kill yourself?  Or literally “commit suicide”?  Because commit suicide is harsh.  That’s like a very specific directive.  But “kill yourself” gets thrown around all the time.  If you like yellow starburst kill yourself, if you hated the Sopranos finale kill yourself, if you get knocked over backwards when you hit the tackling dummy kill yourself.  That’s just guy talk that all depends on the phrasing and intent.  Like you don’t call retarded people retarded, you call your friends retards when they’re being retarded.

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3.  This move is savage!  The forced snot-rocket.  I’ve never even heard of that one.  Never seen it done.  What’s so bad about that?  It’s not like snot rockets hurt.  It’s not like a wet willy where the sensation of the sticky fleshly finger in your earhole is super uncomfortable.  It’s basically just extreme nose blowing help.

4.  Ew.  Fucking weirdo.  Fire this guy.