Are Micropenises Making a Comeback?

KB2/11/2019 12:08 AM

In the early days of mankind, a tiny penis was regarded as the “ultimate badge of honor,” while large phalluses were shunned in social circles and viewed as “survival disadvantages” that slowed men down and prevented them from reaching maximum productivity when hunting, gathering, and fucking.

Anthropologists and penis historians estimate that Adam (The Book of Genesis) had a fully erect dick that measured out at approximately 2.8 inches (7.1 centimeters) — a length that would medically qualify, in some cultures, as a micropenis.

Despite Adam’s partner falling victim to the temptations of a snake, there is no evidence or footage that shows that she was unsatisfied in any way by his abnormally small penis. In fact, some biblical metaphors imply that Eve was routinely disrupting the Garden of Eden with thunderous, world record-breaking orgasms.

Unfortunately for the less endowed literal and figurative kings of the world, the Middle Ages sparked a sexual Renaissance that resulted in society turning on baby dicks and romanticizing large penii that were increasingly being seen as more noble, aesthetically-pleasing, and even pleasurable to medieval women.

This phallic phenomenon spawned the first examples in history of men being publicly ridiculed and unjustly mocked merely for the size of their genitalia. By the 17th century, the stigma surrounding small male sex organs got so bad that even A-list celebrities like Sir Isaac Newton were completely refraining from fornication out of fear of being teased or ostracized for their minuscule members.

But Newton’s voluntary celibacy wasn’t enough to dodge the bullets from bullies. Centuries later, modern tweetdecking teens still continue to taunt the superstar mathematician with viral jeers and jabs like “That’s what you get for inventing Calculus pussy boi” and “That’s what you get for inventing Calculus pwussyboi.”

Fast forward to 2019, and men all over the world are still being unfairly oppressed and discriminated against for this genetic affliction. On Friday, LADbible published a story about a newlywed wife who was disgruntled when her husband surprised her with his micropenis on their honeymoon.

While the gift of a pure, virgin dick, regardless of its visibility to the naked eye, would be more than a generous wedding offering to most women, this bitter bride decided to take to Reddit to voice her frustrations with the situation in a post titled, “Newlywed husband (32M) wanted to wait til marriage for sex and just surprised me (27F) with micropenis on the honeymoon.”

“I’m not going to shame him and honestly I don’t even know how I’ll broach the topic,” she stated in an un-deleted post that got millions of views on Reddit and subsequently became the topic of a viral story.

Using photos of delicious hors d’oeuvres like Lit’l Smokies and bacon-wrapped cocktail wieners in a weak attempt to poke fun at the man’s medical condition, the news outlet ostensibly aimed to shame this courageous king. But, in fact, they accomplished the opposite.

In a heartwarming twist, the responses to the article were overwhelmingly positive in favor of the husband and his anatomically-challenged penis. Some Twitter users even went as far as expressing aspirations to be in the man’s position one day.

This outpouring of social media support for the anonymous 32-year-old hero, along with the recent resurgence of notable men coming out as having pride in their puny penises, begs the question…