Dumping Them Out: I Forgot About Hooters

John Rich10/02/2022 11:30 PM

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We are running low on boobs. There is a nationwide Boobs GIF shortage. I wrote a blog this week to push our breast cancer awareness merch, where I only included a single Boobs GIF. I would have included more, but I need to save the boobs for Dumping Them Out. I need to think of additional phases or synonyms for boobs that would yield more results in our system. I use boobs, tits, breasts, hot girl, sexy, knockers, hooters, nipples (not a good one don't try it), and melons.

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I just remembered the word hooters.

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On Friday, I discovered a thesaurus. Not discovered, I knew what a thesaurus was, but for some reason I had never utilized one in my writing. You can probably tell by my incessant use of the word "incredible". After reading Francis' blogs, I decided I need to step up my vocabulary. I'm actually in the midst of a Francis' blog that I WAS very excited about. I was planning to release it on Monday or Tuesday. But then yesterday, I saw this come across my timeline.

It was an incredible blog. It's significantly different than mine, but the premise is similar. So now if I publish it, it's going to look like I copied Large's idea. But I'm in too deep to scrap it, so it's happening either way. I just wanted to get ahead of the story.

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I help manage the Rundown Twitter account (@BarstoolRundown, please follow). The other day we had a story about a dog that pooped in its owner's mouth. Very typical Rundown type of topic. We had some nice banter about it. That night, I posted the clip on Twitter.

The tweet got 1 single like, and 1 single response. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the response.

What a take. It's not one of the craziest responses I've ever seen on the internet. Not even close. But what a strong reaction to the dog-poop-in-mouth story. This man (or woman) saw our dog-poop-in-mouth segment, and their mind immediately went to - "I bet this stupid fucking bitch doesn't crate train her dog, no wonder it shit in her mouth, she fucking deserved it."

Nothing fires up TheProtagonist like someone who doesn't crate train their dog. It's probably a good thing to do, but I don't have my dogs crate trained. They're very good. We never have to worry about leaving them for extended periods of time. They just hang out together and be good dogs. Unfortunately, that makes me a literal piece of shit. Please don't tell my extremely well behaved dogs.

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I got upset about 2 things yesterday, and I will be taking a stand against them. I was watching the 1st quarter of Penn State vs Northwestern. Northwestern had the ball on their own 28-yard line. As Northwestern QB Ryan Hilinksi was handing the ball off to Evan Hull on a pivotal 2nd & 11, ESPN had the AUDACITY to cut-in to AARON JUDGE, a BASEBALL PLAYER (!!!), for his ENTIRE AT BAT. They put the Yankees' game on HALF OF THE SCREEN and SWITCHED THE AUDIO TO THE YANKEES ANNOUNCERS.

First off, if I wanted to watch baseball, I would watch fucking baseball. 62 isn't even the record! I specifically turned on ESPN to watch Penn State vs Northwestern. It would be one thing if they put his at-bat on part of the screen, but to switch to the Yankees announcers?? BLASPHEMY! Dan Orlovsky was right in the middle of a story about Evan Hull's mother who travels to every game, despite a debilitating fear of flying. But NOPE, I didn't get to hear the end of Orlovsky's anecdote about the Junior Running Backs' mother, because ESPN insisted on shoving Aaron Judge down America's throat. Does she drive to the games? Does she take the bus? Does she walk? I have no idea!

Northwestern proceeded to run the ball twice up the middle, then punt it away to Penn State. I was only able to watch those plays on HALF OF MY SCREEN. I have absolutely ZERO clue what Orlovsky had to say about those 3 plays. What ESPN is doing to college football fans in nothing short of egregious.

Imagine this. It's Sunday night, you're comfortable on the couch with your blanket and cup of hot cocoa. This weeks Dumping Them Out just dropped. You settle in for an evening of stories you don't care about, and recycled Boob GIFs. But when you open the blog, you see this.

Absolutely disgusting, and completely prevents you from enjoying the boobs. I'm sorry I had to do that to you, but I needed to make a point. Consider these Sydney Sweeny GIFs my sincerest apology.

I am also taking a stand against unit shaming. I sometimes feel like I can't post my bets because I'm betting such a low amount of money. I refuse to feel bad about it any longer. Here is My Gambler's Oath.

My Gambler's Oath

I will not be unit shamed for my single digit bets

I want to feel like I am a part of things

I will have $5 units

I will mostly bet $5 long shot parlays

I will get excited when I win $100

I will get excited when I win $20

I will get excited when I win $5

I will proudly call myself a real gambler

I will call myself a sharp

I will give unsolicited gambling advice to Brandon Walker

I will use phrases like "this one has been a grind" and "sweating out this bet" when there is $5 at stake

I will cheer loudly for my bets when there is $5 at stake

I will be frustrating to watch a game with

I will treat my high roller friends like we are equals

I will strike up a conversation with a whale at the Barstool Sportsbook, and talk to him like we are equals

I will spike a beer in someones face who bet $500 on Missouri +29.5, when I have Georgia -29.5 in the first leg of a 5-game parlay that would net me $87.47

I will be devastated when I lose

Unless I don't feel like caring

It depends on my mood

I will reserve my right to quit watching a football game I have money on, if a better opportunity presents itself

If I want to watch Vanderpump Rules on my big TV, I will put the football game on my laptop

I will not feel bad about it

I will enjoy football however I please

I will gamble however I please

I love to gamble

I am a real gambler

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Finally, the finale of the Barstool Mini Golf Tournament aired on Thursday. There was some confusion with the scorecards, which causes some of the final scores to be inaccurate. Jeff D Lowe won fair and square (it wasn't that close), HOWEVER my score was off by 2 strokes. I want it on the record that I shot -23. I tied Frankie Borelli for 4th place.