Dude Simulates An Entire Season Of MLB: The Show With Every Single Player As Bartolo Colon

Amazin Avenue - In this world of MLB: The Show, all 30 MLB teams will be comprised entirely of Bartolo Colons. Bartolo will be every single man in Baseball. There is nobody else in this world; there is only Bartolo. Bart will pitch to himself, and he will hit against himself. He will field against himself, and he will run against himself. God bless Sony for allowing this to happen.

So let’s go on another adventure. Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three. Come with me and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination. Take a look and you’ll see into your imagination.

This is such a spectacular commitment to A) Bartolo Colon 2) Video games and D) stupid, dumb ass shit that I had no choice but to read the entire article. I mean this guy wrote like 10,000 words on the Colon Clones. The final stats were spectacular:

The batting title for the American League is won by a Colone on the Red Sox with a cool .204 mark. The NL batting champion plays on the Braves, and he rocked a .195 average. The MLB’s OPS champion is another Red Sox Bart, with a .443. He is also the league’s leading slugger with a .235 SLG%, he led the MLB in home runs with 5, and he is the RBI king with 28. So the Red Sox have the league’s most powerful Bart, as well as the league’s most consistent contact hitter. There was not a single stolen base attempted by anyone in the entire season, probably because the Bartolo Colons are actually smart.

There was an Orioles Bartolo who hit 6 triples. He has been elected president.

The Cy Young races were the same as the MVP races. Literally, the same top three candidates for the Cy Young were also the same three candidates for the MVP in both leagues. The winners were also the same, and they played for the Angels and Reds, respectively. The Angels’ Bartolo put up a 0.23 ERA with 298 strikeouts, and a 12-5 record. The Reds’ Bartolo put up a 0.17 ERA with 304 strikeouts, and a 13-3 record.

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There was a Colone on the Blue Jays who threw 8 shutouts. There was a Bartolo on the Royals who had a 0.13 ERA. Neither of them won the Cy Young.

169 runs were scored by the Red Sox in the entire season. That led the MLB. The Phillies were in last with 118. Again, the parity couldn’t be more evident. Throughout the league, there were 273 homers hit. The Twins hit the most as a team with 16. The Orioles were in last place, having just one lonely dinger the whole season.

Every team struck out more than 2,000 times throughout the season. The Rays struck out 2,529 times for the worst mark in the league; the White Sox were the best with 2,061. That is an average of 12.7 per game. The best team at not striking out still struck out almost 13 times per game.

Every team also had more than 200 errors for the season. The Cardinals had the least, with 227, and the Rays had the most, with 311. The Rays’ Bartolos were not very good at this.

The Rangers had the best composite team ERA with a 0.37. The Braves had the worst ERA in the whole league with a -?? you ready? -?? 0.57 ERA. Yup.

There were 2,069 shutouts in the entire season. There are 2,430 total games in an MLB season. That is 85 percent of the games. In 85 percent of the games, one team didn’t score at all. This is Baseball in the League of Bartolo Colons.

And there were no more walks.

But seriously though, there was one walk in the entire season! Like, how is that even possible? I mean I know Bartolo is a tremendous control pitcher and he’s never drawn a walk at the plate in his career, but just one in almost 2,500 games? That’s downright incredible.

1 walk in an entire season of baseball. Over 2000 shut outs. Red Sox Bartolo had 5 dingers on the year which I cant even imagine. The joy that one Tolo home run brought me multiplied by 5? Fucking forget about it. I think I’d probably watch this league in real life over the current MLB. All Colon. All the time.