#50) Introducing Barstool's Newest Employee - Uncle Chaps/PFT Commenter: I'm Joining Barstool
*Editor’s Note:
Welcome to the Top 50 Countdown. The best blogs of 2016. What better way to start off than with the intro blogs to our 2 best hires of the year – Uncle Chaps and PFT Commenter. And by the year I also mean ever.
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July 31st of 2007 is the single most memorable day of my life. I remember everything about that day. I’ve gone over it thousands of times. Many of ya’ll might remember that day as the day that Kevin Garnett was traded to the Celtics for Al Jefferson, Sebastian Telfair, Theo Ratliff, Ryan Gomes, Gerald Green, and two first round draft picks. Not me, bubba. I remember it as the day that changed my perspective on life forever.
Alive Days, in some circles, are celebrated more than birthdays. Alive Days are the days when people who were wounded in combat celebrate being, well, alive. For me that day is July 31st.
Nine years ago today I was getting surgery at a medical facility just outside of Fallujah, Iraq. When I woke up after the surgery, the first thing I saw was a baseball game playing on TV. I remember looking at the TV and then to my arm, which was in a long, hard cast, and thinking that everything was gonna be ok. I didn’t feel that way just a few hours earlier. I felt like, dramatic as it may seem considering that the bullet only went through my arm, I might die.
Anyway, back to the point of this blog.
Unluckily for you assholes I didn’t actually die because now you have to read my content. I first started reading Barstool when I was at Marine Corps Base Quantico about 7 years ago so I’m fucking amped to be writing here now.
Despite what this first post makes it seem like, I’m not here to be the token military barstool bro. That’s the last thing I want and I’m sure it’s the last thing the readers want as well. Additionally it would be a grave mistake to ignore the elephant in the room during my introduction which is the fact that I’ve had vicious and unrelenting diarrhea since Easter of 2007. I cannot wait to travel around and review public toilets for you. By the time I’m done here, you will know exactly which airport, bank, hospital, fast food place and on and on to shit in. I will expose my ass to the worst places so that you dont have to. That’s a promise. That’s a service. 
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I’m also happy to say that Barstool finally has a Jaguars, Mississippi State, UTSA, Braves, and Orlando Magic fan in the mix rectifying one of the largest flaws in Pageviews’ empire.
Introductions are generally the worst so I’ll keep mine short here and explain more with Big Cat and PFTCommenter on Monday’s Pardon My Take; I will say that having an opportunity like this one come into fruition on my Alive Day is pretty surreal. Having PTSD and other injuries makes you have some dark fucking days. Today is not one of those days. Now, let’s get weird and Viva the Stool.
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A open letter:
Before anyone ever cared where I blogged, I was just a kid from the ProFootballTalk comment secton. Its where I learned how to give barrel fire sports takes, where i learned about the loose change video, and where I honed my abilty to make broad sweeping generalizations without reading the actual artcle about what Anotonio Cromartes latest child means in regards to how much I would pay in taxes if I made more money. Its where I found my voice & my passion.
The last four years have been magical as my internet comments have translated into my own blog, then guest contributor gigs at SB Nation & Kissing Suzy Kolber, and eventually my own radio show on Sirius XM- a sports talk show FOR MEN. I’ve interviewd Presidental canidates, hung out with Skip Bayless behind the scenes at ESPN, wrote a peer-reviewed scientific essay examining the many inextricable links between J.J. Watt and Nazi Germany, and broke Guy Feiris toilet. But I knew that as my contract with SB Nation expired, my unique perpsective as one of the worlds only straight, white, male sports bloggers was more necessary then ever in the corners of the internet where that type of voice had become marginalized the most- places like Barstool Sports.
Im not having a press conference or a party or patting myself on the back for the new gig. I’ll dirnk a few Mad Dog 2020s and snort some preworkout mix, but after this, it’s time to get back to work. No fuss no muss. Maybe a strippergram, hit the super tuesday polls to write in Lincoln Chaffee, light something on fire and buttfunnel a few rounds of rumplemintz, but very little cocaine. I’m a kid from humble beginnings & the idea of having a full-time job delivering sports takes is something Ive always dreamed of my entire lifelong-life for the last three years, but I’m going to act like Ive been there before even though I literally have not.
To those longtime reader’s of mine- aint nothing gonna change but the name of the website. Its called a URL, not a ME-RL and I take that very serously. Spefically, my weekly MMBM column is going to continue, plus you’ll also notice a increase in how many blogs I write. I’m about to unleash a series of take-quakes that are going to hit you like a bukake tsunami, so get a pair of goggles and nail down the dog.
For fans of my old radio show “The Steamroom” (RIP)- I’m also announcing a brand new podcast called “Pardon My Take” which will air every Monday, Wendesday, and Friday featuring myself and my good friend Big Cat, who has basicaly been recruiting me to join Barstool for the last 2 years to almost the point of harassment. You can subscribe here for a preview, and the first full epsode will air this Friday. It will be the best thing to happen to the spoken word since God dictated the Bible simultanousley to the entire council of Nicea.
This decison is not something I took lightly at all. SB Nation has been a wonderfull place for me to work and I owe alot to guys like Spencer Hall, Ryan Van Bibber, and all of the MMBM commenters, many of whom Im hoping will continue to read& love & hate my work here. . But I was eager for a challenge, and if humans never took risks wed all be having missionery sex and rooting for the Yankees.
Before I agreed to join Barstool I was concerned that some of my stronger takes might tarnish there previously impeccable reputation. But we agreed that in edition to my blogging duties, I would also serve as acting obmudsman to help open up the lines of communicaton between the outside world and Barstool. They’ve had there share of controversy not unlike just about every other single website outside of the BangBros network, and I want to try and adress any of these outside concerns, or at the very least pay patronizing lip service to them. So if theres anything that you read here & dont like, let me know and I’ll make sure to tell you why your wrong, and why it was actually a good thing in my weekly or semi-weekly or bi-weekly column. Unless your right, in which case I’ll probably just blame Hank or something. I’m told thats what we do around here.
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For all the new readers- heres what your going to get with me: unapologetically strong takes all the time. I’m told alot of you are Patriots fans and if you dont like the fact that I firmly believe that Tom Brady is probably taking more drugs than Hitler, there’s the door. I also bring with me extensive experience as SB Nations Chief Poltical Correspondent where I have been covering the Republican and Democratic primaries, so if you dont like the preferential treatment I give to Donald Trump and Lincoln Chaffee, there’s the door. But if you can get over it and just accept the fact that me & you are going to butt heads, your going to probably repsect my workman-like mentalty being the first to log-in and last to log-out every day. Im installing a time-clock in my home office, and when the time comes to make the move up to New York with the rest’ve the crew, I plan on living in NorthEast Pennsylanvia and taking some sort of extremely polluting train into work to maintain my blue collar edge.
My workrate on this damn website is going to be like basically if John Kuhn and Edelman got each others moms pregnant and then had there children constantly giving each other organ transplants until one of them died & the other went on to live the rest of his life with a extreme sense of purpose to honor his former brother. That survivor is me. The internet is my canvass.
At Barstool, nothing is given. Every thing is earned.
Im ready to except the challenge.
Lets get to work.
-PFT Commenter