The Annual NFL Head Coaches Picture Has Dropped, Let's Dive In
One of my favorite yearly traditions. Right around the time Spring has sprung, and we're sweating March Madness bets, the NFL decides to trot out all their Head Coaches, make them sit awkwardly staring at the Sun, and take a picture. Its a day I look forward to every single year. Just a bunch of super successful, alpha men, squeezed together like its the first day of second grade. These men spend every waking hour trying to find a way to beat each other. These men spend every waking hour being boss's of some of the greatest athletes in the world. But for 5 minutes every year they're forced to look as awkward as possible so the whole world can make fun of them.
I've been doing this blog for ELEVEN years now. Yes there are some people out there who have stolen what I started bar for bar, word for word, but that's fine. They know I know, and you the readers who have been with me from day 1, who remember when the first picture was Marc Trestman coaching the Bears, know this is our annual tradition. One I covet and cherish. I'll be 80 years old, long since retired, and around this time every year I'll text still Editor in Chief Nate, asking him how I login into the backend (a text that happens every single year without fail, shout out Nate for helping me login like I'm already 80 years old). That's how much I love it. So without further ado. Let's begin with where we always begin.
Sidenote - Usually this picture comes out on a Monday. If my writing is jumbled and doesnt make sense its because this year they dropped it on the Sunday of the first weekend of March Madness. Ive spent 4 straight days watching so much basketball my eyes are bleeding. Im in a rough spot physically and mentally. But this picture is too important to me. I'm writing this at 3 am as I slowly fart in my chair and battle the heartburn Ive had for the better half of a week. Should I be called a hero? No, unless you want to call me one, which you probably should.
Lets Go.
The "I'm The King Of This League And Just Won My 3rd Super Bowl In 5 Years So You Bet Your Fucking Ass I'm Wearing Shorts" Award - Andy Reid
Just like this blog is an annual tradition, Andy Reid showing up in his best Hawaiin is something I never want to end. Every other Coach has nerves for picture day, Andy Reid runs the same play because no one can stop it. Power Sweep down your throat. And by Power Sweep I mean retired dude on Vacation throwing his cankles right in your grill. The best part about Andy Reid is that he's made millions and millions of dollars and is arguably a top 5 Head Coach of all time yet he's never lost his inner fat guy who loves shorts. Everyone knows one of those guys. It could be 15 degrees out and theyll rock shorts just because they were born a fat guy who loves shorts. Not every fat guy loves shorts, but every guy who wears shorts year around is fat. That's how it works. And that's Andy Reid. He'll never change, and thats what I love about him.
Bonus Cankle shot that probably could make Andy millions on Only Fans.
You could make Andy Reid walk through an obstacle course of peeled bananas, curbs, and that mystery final step in everyone's basement and he would never turn his ankle. God made that transition from Andy's legs to ankles pure American Steel.
The New Guy Who Tried To Show Up The Boss By Also Wearing Shorts But He Hasn't Won A Singe Game In The NFL Yet Award - Dave Canales
What the fuck is this pretty boy? What gives you the right to think you can wear shorts on this, the holiest of all days. Not to mention I don't like your look Dave Canales. You look too good. You look like a dude who is a scratch golfer and has a hot wife who somehow makes millions of dollars a year posting Mom Tik Toks with her adorable children. You look like a guy who models those 100 dollar shirts on Instagram that have "revolutionized" golf polos by making the first dress shirt/golf polo hybrid then you buy it and you realize you just bought another fucking golf polo. Fuck you man, respectfully. No one likes the guy who has everything going for him. All your friends probably talk shit about you behind your back.
The Guy Who's Mom Forgot It Was Picture Day And Dressed Him Like It Was Normal Monday Award - Jerod Mayo
Whoops! Listen, I get it. New job, old guy who had been in your position had been there for a long ass time. Have to figure out your own lane and in doing so maybe some things get lost in the shuffle. But Jerod, what is this? You look like you stumbled into this picture from the parking lot. This is Vegas buffett attire. You're dressed to eat 8,000 calories of Chinese/Italian/Thai/American. And I'm not trying to tell Jerod what to do because he's a Super Bowl winner and an NFL Head Coach. He's had more success than I could ever dream of. But let's be honest with ourselves for a second. Every "bigger" guy knows that you have to do the T-Shirt fluff before a picture is snapped. It's not an option, it's a necessity. Grab the bottom of that t shirt and give yourself some air so your pecs/breasts aren't hugging the fabric when its time to say cheese. Right now there are thousands of guys reading these exact words nodding their heads. Guys aren't like girls, we don't get multiple takes on pictures. We hate pictures. You snap the picture and then thats the picture for better or worse (almost always worse). So giving your shirt that little extra air is something that is non negotiable. You get one shot and you failed Jerod. Let this be a lesson for next year. I have faith in your ability to watch the tape and get better.
The Fuck or Fight Guy Award - Dan Campbell
Look at this specimen. He's fuck or fight. Those are the only two options. The haircut, fresh polo, clenched fists say it all. If you want to fuck, he'll fuck, but if we're not fucking, we're fighting. Life is binary in that way. Go out to a bar, find a girl interested in you, great, awesome night. Go out to a bar, strike out with the chicks, no problem, lets find someone to fight and make this night worthwhile. Dan Campbell's intensity jumps off the page even in a picture. I'd die for Dan Campbell.
I forgot to mention Fuck or Fight guy has a third option which is pizza. But usually getting the pizza results in a fight in the way too long pizza line.
The Harbaugh Boys Award - Jim and John Harbaugh
I think this is the first time its fully set in that Jim Harbaugh is back in the NFL. Something about seeing the two of them in this picture again brings a smile to my face. It also makes me feel old as fuck because they're getting older. Either way they both nailed their specific personalities. Jim is wearing whatever he will wear to Easter so that he's adequately prepared for the holiday and nothing will suprise him. His first 15 for next Sunday has been scripted and hes doing a pads on practice with this picture. John the more outgoing member of the First family of Football, and that means he was able to snag a great deal on the picnic table line from Kohl's that every single one of us has tried to pull off at one point in our life. Welcome back Jim. I desperately need another big time playoff game with these two facing off.
The I Dont Really Know How To Sit Comfortably So Heres A Pose That Makes No Sense Award - Kevin Stefanski
Now full disclosure I know Kevin Stefanski, we've had him on PMT and it was an awesome interview. And because we have a relationship I also know he will at some point most likely read these words. So with that being said, F- Kevin. What is this posture? I had to double check to make sure Robert Saleh didn't have a couple of fingers up Coach Stefanski's ass. And honestly? I still dont know the answer to the question. Is he sucking in? Because if he is that's culture appropriation. He's in great shape, he doesn't need to suck in. Never be the weird posture guy on Coach Picture Day. Great shoes though, you nailed that. Everything else though is giving me weirdo vibes. Relax Kev, this isnt your first time, youre a good coach, you belong.
The "Is That Dennis Allen Or A Serbian Arms Dealer/Guy Who Is Way Too Into F1" Award - Dennis Allen, I think?
That's Dennis Allen right? Because its either Dennis Allen or a guy who drives a really fast car and no one quite knows how he made all his money. Was it Real Estate? I think I heard Real Estate but he also goes overseas once a month and no one knows why. Because you may think the no brand, no logo black hat mixed with the top half of an also no name, no logo jumpsuit is making us think you're cool but it just has us asking a lot more questions on what exactly is going on.
The "Greatest Buddy Cop Movie Of All Time" Award - Dan Quinn And Brian Daboll
I don't know who's idea it was to put the two bald dudes next to each other but it fucking rocks. I need to see them in everything together. Like I could take this picture into a Hollywood exec's office tomorrow and I think I would get a movie bought in 5 minutes. Remember Home Alone? What if we remake it, except this time both guys are bald. Dumb and Dumber? Well get this. I got a tall bald guy and a short bald guy. Boom movie sold. The Other Guys but this time theyre bald, yes 2 bald guys doing bald guy things together. Done.
And poor Daboll. You never want to be the SECOND bald guy. Because make no mistake, Dan Quinn is giving off Ex Wrestler who somehow lived past the age of 50 dont fuck with me Bald. He's looking fierce. They'res 3 types of bald in this world. Skinhead bald, Badass Dad bald, and man I wish I wasnt bald bald. And that unfortunately is Daboll when standing next to Dan Quinn. There's literally a 3rd bald guy on the other side of Dan Quinn and yet your eye wanders over to the other, slightly rounder bald guy who's shirt doesnt fit as well, and you're left saying how did Bald 2 get in this picture? Gotta space out your bald guys. Its like showing up to a Halloween party only to see someone else has the same costume as you but better. Daboll should have taken one look at Dan Quinn and realized he also went as bald today and then gotten as far away from him as possible.
Sidenote - One year I was at a Halloween party and there were two Al Borland's from Home Improvement at the party. I spent the entire night trying to convince each Al Borland separately that they needed to do something about the 2 Al Borland situation. Dont think I talked to anyone else at the party. Would just bounce back and forth being like hey man, this other Al Borland thinks he's hot shit, we should do something about this. And then go to the other Al Borland and tell him Al Borland 1 was talking shit and back and forth for like 3 hours. And now that I typed this story out I realize that not only did the story suck but I was probably being a pretty big asshole that night. Moving on.
The "I'm Sad He Didn't Show Up So Here's What I Wrote About Him Last Year" Award - Mike McCarthy
The "I Can't Hold In This Fart Much Longer Just Take The Damn Picture" Award - Mike McCarthy
You're looking at a guy who's body is composed primarily of Fart. He's got Fart coming out of his throat. If you gave him a massage and got at that neck it would start leaking fart everywhere. Like a sausage on the grill needing a fork to poke him and let out that gas. And the worst part is Mike looks nice! Nice suit, nice pants, nice shoes. It just so happens that instead of putting his clothes on his body this morning he put them on a gigantic fart that has been brewing for days. You know that once this picture was taken he did what any Dad does and walked away towards the bushes pretending to look at something while he leaked gas like the Exxon Valdez. Maybe threw in a "anyone hear a duck?" comment if people heard some noises. Just let this man fart for Christ Sakes.
Absolutely devastating that Mike McCarthy didn't show up this year. Was it the fart thing? I feel like it may have been the fart thing. Come back next year Mike. Your job is safe. We found out today that Jerry Jones has worms in his brain. I promise you I wont call you a human fart again.
Pictured, Jerry Jones illustrating his "All In" plan for the upcoming Cowboys season.
This promise is a lie, I will absolutely call Mike McCarthy a fart again.
The Way Too Old Religous Camp Counselor Award - Brian Callahan
Hey Sport, why don't you pull up a chair so we can rap, as the kids say these days, about my new team the Tennessee Titans. You know what football is like? Its like the Bible. Lets read a little from it and I can show you how.
I'm sure Brian Callahan is a nice guy and by nice guy I mean he looks like he wants to call the police on anyone with a skateboard or a backwards hat. Loosen up Brian, you'll be a great Coach and leader of teenagers/football players.
The "Dad You Don't Want To Fuck With" Award - Todd Bowles
Nice guy as long as you don't sit in his recliner, touch the thermostat, date his daughter, forget to take out the trash, take his seat at the dinner table, swear in his house, mention his daughter, scratch his car, look at his daughter, forget to say please and thank you, call him anything besides Mr. or sir, try to talk to his daughter, or take the remote. Other than that, like I said, great guy.
The "Oh Yeah That's Zac Taylor" Award - Zac Taylor
Oh yeah, that is Zac Taylor. He coached in a Super Bowl. I knew that.
The "Super Nice Science Teacher That Everyone Loved" Award - Shane Steichen
Shane Steichen made school not the absolute worst. He just always seemed like a cool guy that you could talk to. Maybe it was the fact that he would give you hints on what was on the test. Let you watch movies in class every couple of weeks. Or that he didn't ever yell at anyone and had everyone call him Mr Shane instead of Mr Steichen. Always loved that teacher.
Then Shane Steichen gets into his beat up Toyota Corolla with fabric seats and a heating system that doesn't work as he motherfucks his life and wishes he was doing anything besides teaching a bunch of shit head kids.
The "Not Pictured So Heres A Picture Of Caleb Williams In A Bears Uniform And I Can't Wait Until He's The Absolute Best And Wins a Million Games For The Bears And Is Way Better Than Jordan Love" Award - Matt Eberflus
The "Hot Guys" Award - Matt Lafleur, Sean McVay And Demeco Ryan
When did our NFL coaches get hot? This has been bothering me recently. I hate it. Because all 3 of these guys are really good NFL Head Coaches AND they're good looking. Fuck that. I want my NFL Head Coaches to be fat. I want them to be gross. I want them to eat, sleep and breath football and if they fuck up a big decision at least we can make fun of how they look. Like imagine if Tom Coughlin never had his face melt in the cold and instead he looked like a GQ model? Imagine if McCarthy looked like Ryan Gosling every time he looked up at the Jumbotron as his brain stopped working. That's no fun. Fuck these guys. Someone needs to do something about it. You can't have it all in life and these guys have it all. It's not fucking fair. Go back to the days where THIS is an NFL Head Coach.
Or this
Or even this
Also credit to me for not making a joke about Lafleur only thinking about how he wants to kick a field goal on 4th and 7 down 8 with 2 minutes left in the game and the best QB of all time on the other sideline. Also it would be lazy of me to just have an award simply called "All I'm Thinking About Right Now _". Thats called personal growth.
The "All I'm Thinking About Right Now Is Doing Shots, Explosives, Pew Pew Pew Award - Jonathan Gannon
They dont know I'm thinking about shots and explosives and pew pew pew right now.
The "Maybe If I Close My Eyes People Will Stop Asking Me If My Quarterback, Who Literally Is My Only Job Security, Is Going To Run For Vice President" Award - Robert Saleh
Yup that will totally work Robert. Like a kid who closes their eyes during hide and seek and thinks its hiding. Robert Saleh just shuts his eyes and all his problems float away.
The "Retired Dad Who Golfs 5 Times A Week And Would Rather Be Wearing A "Life Is Good" Shirt" Award - Doug Pederson
Firm handhsake, will have a beer at any hour of the day, and would love to see your golf swing real quick so he can maybe give you a few pointers. Doug Pederson gives off great vibes. He's every dad living their best life in Florida or Arizona right this second. He bought a house in 1973 for 2 paperclips and ham sandwich then sold it for 3.5 million dollars in 2018 and moved down to a beautiful ocean front condo in Naples. This younger generation just doesn't understand what smart saving and financial planning can do for your retirement portfolio. Doug Pederson is living the dream, a dream no one under the age of 45 will ever realize, but its a dream and if you ever want to come out and play 18 at his course he'd be happy to have you.
The "Still Could Probably Play 40 Snaps Tomorrow So Don't Fuck With Him" Award - Antonio Pierce
I'm pretty sure Antonio Pierce could kick everyone's ass in this picture. Now that Vrabel is out of coaching for a year and Antonio Pierce is officially in, he is the official new frontrunner for other Coach not named Dan Campbell that could win a million Super Bowls if Super Bowls were won by the Head Coach's fist fighting at the 50 yard line (I'd watch that league).
The "Oh Thats What Raheem Morris Looks Like" Award - Raheem Morris
Falcons coach Raheem Morris. You knew that, I knew that, we all knew that. We know ball.
The "Dorky Friend Who You Think You Could Take In Any Sport Only To Have Him Whoop Your Ass In Literally Everything Reminding You To Never Judge A Book By Its Cover" Award - Kevin O'Connell
Everyone has that one friend who you think would suck at everything. They're super nice. Not intense. Wear things like Kevin O'Connell's short sleeve button down shirt that needs to be ironed. Then you play literally any sport with them and they kick your ass. The natural athlete in their 30's. Where they seem washed up and then the second they do anything athletic you're quickly reminded that they probably were all state in like 4 different sports and you want them on your team whenever you're playing intramurals going forward.
Sidenote - Its so late and my brain is such mush that I couldn't remember if its spelled dork or dwork. So I googled it to double check and found out theres a woman named Cynthia Dwork and its absolutely perfect. What a fucking Dwork!
The "Dad Dressed For High School Graduation Award Please Dont Bring Up The 9/11 Story" Award - Sean McDermott
"Honey put on a sport coat. Please, this is important"
"Fine, do you think anyone is going to mention the 9/11 thing?"
"No, no, youll be fine, and you look very nice in that coat"
The "Too Nice Of A Neighbor That Wants To Get Together All The Time Even Though You've Never Given Him Any Reason To Believe You Want To Be Friends" Award - Mike McDonald
Hey Neighbor, got a new TV in the basement if you ever want to come over and watch a game! Is your bracket busted? Oh man, mine was busted on the first day, lets get a beer and talk about our bracket being busted.
I dont know Mike McDonald yet but hes on my watch list now. Too clean shaven and normal looking. Need something we can immediately become attached to and make fun of and Mike McDonald doesnt have anything besides the fact that he's excessively normal looking. So just like the annoying overly friendly neighbor I think I have no choice but to hate his fucking guts.
The "I Cant Keep Losing Super Bowls And Showing Up To This Stupid Fucking Picture" Award - Kyle Shanahan
Every big loss ages Kyle Shanahan in dog years. We need to get this guy a ring before its too late. I look at him and get sad. Hes a great fucking coach. Please someone do something
Finally Last But Certainly Not Least
The "Crypto Bro That Wants To Tell You That Right Now Is Actually The Best Time To Re-Enter The NFT Market" Award - Mike McDaniel
So remember Bored Apes? Yeah the reason Bored Apes failed was because the market wasn't sophisticated enough for such revolutionary investment products. But now we've seen incredible maturation in crypto and how we do global business that if you have 100k that you can wire to my business headquarters in the Bahamas I can guarantee you a return on your inbvestment in less than a year. Just trust me bro, the world will be cashless by 2035, and owning these digital cyber dolphins will be how we do transactions.
Also Ive never seen anyone who wanted to take their vape out more than Mike McDaniel in this exact moment. Let the guy blow clouds. We all gotta live.
Until next year. Thank you all for reading and loving this blog as much as I love writing it. And now that I have a login again I will try to blog more (this is what we call an empty promise). But seriously, I'm going to write more blogs.
-Big Cat